The Catholic Wisdom — What “God Is Love” Actually Means for Your Relationships
What Is Deus Caritas Est?
Pope Benedict XVI released his first encyclical on Christmas Day 2005, and the opening line — “God is love” — is three words most of us have heard so many times they’ve stopped landing. Deus Caritas Est spends 42 paragraphs making sure they land again. Benedict explores two kinds of love: eros (the desire that draws us toward another) and agape (the self-giving love that pours itself out). His argument is that Christian love is not one or the other. It’s both, purified and held together.
Why It Matters for Dating and Marriage
There’s a tendency in Catholic formation to treat desire like a problem to be managed. Benedict pushes back on that. Eros, he writes, is part of how we’re made. We were created with a longing that points us outward, toward union, toward love. That’s not a flaw to be corrected; it’s a capacity to be redeemed. The redeemed version of love doesn’t kill the desire. It gives it direction and grounds it in genuine care for the other person, not just what they give you.
One Teaching We Use Every Day
Benedict draws a line that lands hard for anyone who’s been hurt: eros without agape becomes possessive and self-serving; agape without eros becomes distant and dutiful. Most of the pain people carry into dating falls into one of those two buckets. Either they were used by someone who wanted them but didn’t cherish them, or they stayed in something hollow where care was present but no real desire existed. Healthy love holds both.
How We Apply It
In True Love (Young Adults 20-39): This teaching runs through how we coach discernment. We help young adults recognize whether their attraction is growing into genuine self-gift, or whether one side of that eros/agape balance is missing entirely.
In Before Forever (High School 14-19): In Module 2, students start exploring what desire actually is and where it comes from. The goal is simple: help them see that their longing for connection is good and created, even when it gets complicated.
FAQ
Q: Isn’t eros just physical attraction? Why would the Church write an encyclical about that? A: Eros in the classical sense is broader than physical attraction. It’s the whole movement of longing toward another person, the pull toward union and belonging. Benedict reclaims the word deliberately because the Church isn’t afraid of desire. The Church is interested in where desire leads, and whether it’s been ordered toward genuine love of the other person.
Q: How does Deus Caritas Est connect to dating specifically? A: The framework gets practical fast: Is this person drawn to me, or just to what I provide for them? Am I genuinely caring for them, or just going through motions? Eros without agape and agape without eros stop being abstract categories the first time you’ve been burned.
This article is part of The Catholic Wisdom Behind Our Coaching series. Next: Pope Francis on the Joy (and Mess) of Love.
In Him,
Katie
Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.