The Catholic Wisdom — St. Thomas Aquinas on Why Love Is a Choice
What Is the Summa Theologica?
The Summa Theologica is St. Thomas Aquinas’s systematic treatment of Christian theology, written between 1265 and 1274. Structured as a series of questions, objections, and responses, it covers everything from the nature of God to the virtues, natural law, marriage, and human happiness. The English Dominican Province translation (1947) is the standard reference, and our RAG system holds over 1,100 chunks of it.
Why It Matters for Dating and Marriage
Here’s the thing — most men I’ve worked with treat love like a weather event. It shows up, it disappears, and they’re just along for the ride. Aquinas doesn’t buy it. He argues that love, at its deepest level, is an act of the will — a choice to will the good of another person. That idea changes how a man approaches dating. He’s not searching for a feeling. He’s building a capacity.
One Teaching We Use Every Day
“To love is to will the good of another.” (Summa Theologica I-II, Q.26, A.4)
Aquinas places love first in the order of the passions — not because it overwhelms reason, but because rightly ordered love draws the will toward what’s actually good. Put plainly: a man who hasn’t learned to will the good of others isn’t ready to choose a spouse. He’s still choosing for himself.
How We Apply It
In True Love (Young Adults 20-39): We use Aquinas’s framework on charity and friendship to help men distinguish attraction from love — and to identify whether they’re capable of willing someone else’s good even when it costs them something.
In Before Forever (High School 14-19): We introduce the idea of love as a virtue to be practiced, not a feeling to be found — starting with how students treat friends, classmates, and family before any romantic relationship enters the picture.
FAQ
Q: Isn’t the Summa too academic for practical dating advice? A: Aquinas wrote for students, not scholars — the Q&A format was meant to be accessible. The principle that love is an act of the will is one of the most practically useful things a person can internalize before entering a serious relationship.
Q: What does Aquinas say about choosing a spouse specifically? A: He addresses prudence — the virtue of right judgment — as essential to any major life decision, including marriage. Prudence isn’t caution; it’s the capacity to see clearly and act well. That’s formation, not just discernment.
This article is part of The Catholic Wisdom Behind Our Coaching series. Next: What Canon Law Says About Getting Married.
In Christ,
Mike
Mike Palitto is co-founder of Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.