Can we be honest for a minute? If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’ve either asked the question “So what are we?” or you’ve been desperately avoiding it. Maybe you’ve been dating someone for months—or even years—and you’re still introducing them as your “friend.” Maybe you’re the one who gets uncomfortable when conversations turn toward the future. Or maybe you’re on the receiving end, wondering why the person you care about seems allergic to defining what you have together.
Here’s what I’ve learned after 15 years of ministry: fear of commitment isn’t really about commitment at all.
The Pattern We’re All Dancing Around
Let me tell you about Sarah (name changed, obviously). She came to me after two years of dating a wonderful Catholic man. They went to Mass together, traveled together, even talked about their future family. But they’d never officially become boyfriend and girlfriend.
“We’re taking it slow,” she kept saying. “We don’t want to rush into anything.”
Two years, friends. Two years of acting married without the commitment.
Here’s what was really happening: Sarah was terrified of choosing. Not because Mark wasn’t a good man—he was. But because choosing Mark meant saying no to every other possibility. It meant closing doors. It meant admitting that this relationship could fail, that she could get hurt, that love requires risk.
And Mark? He was playing along because he was just as scared. Scared of disappointing her. Scared of not being enough. Scared of the weight of another person’s heart in his hands.
They weren’t taking it slow. They were living in relationship purgatory.
What’s Really Going On Here
This is where it gets interesting. Because what we call “commitment phobia” is actually something much deeper: it’s the fallen human tendency to avoid the total self-gift that love requires.
St. John Paul II taught us that the human person is made for gift—we find ourselves only by giving ourselves away. But sin has wounded this capacity. Instead of embracing the vulnerability of authentic love, we hedge our bets. We want the benefits of relationship without the risk of rejection. We want intimacy without responsibility. We want love without loss of control.
The Catechism puts it beautifully: “It can seem difficult, even impossible, to bind oneself for life to another human being” (CCC 1648). Notice it doesn’t say it is impossible—it says it seems impossible. That’s the fear talking, not the truth.
But here’s what we’re really afraid of: we’re afraid of becoming who we’re called to be. Because true commitment doesn’t just require choosing another person—it requires choosing to become the kind of person worthy of their choice in return.
The Lie We Keep Believing
The culture tells us that keeping our options open is freedom. But let me ask you something: How’s that working out for you?
I’ve worked with countless singles who’ve been dating for five, seven, ten years without ever fully committing to someone. They’re not free—they’re paralyzed. They’re not protecting their hearts—they’re preventing them from fully opening. They’re not being wise—they’re being controlled by fear.
Here’s the truth nobody wants to say out loud: you cannot love without choosing. You cannot receive without giving. You cannot have a real relationship while treating it like a trial run.
Every day you spend in relationship limbo is a day you’re not learning how to love sacrificially. It’s a day you’re not growing in virtue. It’s a day you’re choosing fear over faith.
The Catholic Vision of Commitment
The Theology of the Body teaches us that commitment isn’t a restriction—it’s the very foundation of authentic love. When two people make a total gift of themselves to each other, they create space for something beautiful: trust, intimacy, growth, and ultimately, holiness.
But this requires what St. John Paul II calls “the gift of respect for what is sacred.” It requires seeing the other person not as an option to be evaluated, but as a mystery to be reverenced. It requires recognizing that their heart isn’t your playground—it’s holy ground.
This doesn’t mean rushing into anything. It means being intentional about everything. It means dating with purpose instead of dating for entertainment. It means asking “Could I marry this person?” instead of “Am I having fun?”
The Real Work of Commitment
I recently worked with a couple who’d been “casually dating” for eighteen months. They were frustrated because their relationship wasn’t deepening, but they were also terrified of having “the talk.” Sound familiar?
Here’s what I told them: commitment isn’t something that happens to you—it’s something you choose to do. Every single day. It’s not a feeling you wait for; it’s a decision you make.
For him, it meant admitting he’d been keeping one foot out the door because his parents divorced when he was twelve, and he’d decided somewhere along the way that marriage always ends in heartbreak. For her, it meant recognizing that her fear of “settling” was actually pride—she was waiting for someone perfect instead of choosing to love someone real.
The breakthrough came when they stopped asking “Are we meant to be?” and started asking “Are we willing to choose each other?”
When Fear Becomes Wisdom
Now, let’s be clear: not every relationship should end in commitment. Some relationships need to end. Some people aren’t ready for serious dating, let alone marriage. Some situations are genuinely unhealthy or incompatible.
The difference between wisdom and fear? Wisdom makes decisions based on truth. Fear makes decisions based on worst-case scenarios.
If you’ve been dating someone for months and you genuinely cannot see a future with them, the loving thing to do is to end it. If you’re not ready for serious relationship because you need to heal from past wounds, the wise thing to do is to work on yourself first.
But if you’re avoiding commitment because you’re scared of being vulnerable, scared of being disappointed, scared of choosing wrong? That’s not wisdom. That’s just fear dressed up as prudence.
The Path Forward
Here’s what I want you to understand: God didn’t design you to live in perpetual uncertainty. He designed you for communion—with Him and with others. That communion requires commitment. It requires the courage to say yes when yes is called for, and no when no is needed.
If you’re in a relationship right now that’s stuck in the “what are we?” phase, it’s time to have an honest conversation. Not because you need to get engaged tomorrow, but because you both deserve to know where you stand.
If you’re single and you keep sabotaging relationships because commitment feels scary, it’s time to do the deeper work. What are you really afraid of? Where did that fear come from? What would it look like to choose love instead of control?
Remember: every saint in heaven chose to love despite the risk. They chose to give themselves away, trusting that God would multiply their gift. Marriage is just one way we’re called to practice this kind of radical self-donation.
Here’s Your Homework
This week, I want you to get really honest about your relationship patterns. Are you someone who runs when things get serious? Are you someone who stays in ambiguous situations because they feel safer? Are you dating people you could never marry just because it’s easier than being intentional?
Ask God to show you the specific fear that’s holding you back from real commitment. Don’t try to fix it yet—just name it. Write it down. Look at it.
Then ask yourself: Is this fear bigger than God’s grace? Is this fear more trustworthy than God’s plan for your life?
You don’t have to figure it all out this week. But you do need to start somewhere. And honest self-awareness is always a good place to begin.
Remember: you weren’t made for mediocre relationships or half-hearted love. You were made for the fullness of communion—the kind that only comes through the courageous choice to commit. That kind of love is worth the risk. And so are you.
In Him,
Katie
Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.
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