Let me ask you something. How many items are on your mental checklist for a potential spouse?
I’m talking about that running list in your head. You know—the one that starts reasonable. Catholic. Wants kids. Emotionally stable. But then it grows. Tall enough. Makes enough money. Loves hiking. Never been divorced. Has read Theology of the Body. Prefers traditional liturgy. Drinks coffee but not too much coffee.
I know this list intimately because I used to have one too.
And here’s the hard truth: If you’ve been single for years despite being faithful, prayerful, and actively dating, your standards might not be protecting your heart. They might be protecting your fear.
When Discernment Becomes a Fortress
Can we be honest for a minute? Some of us have turned our “high standards” into a fortress that keeps everyone out—including the people God might actually be calling us toward.
I recently worked with a woman—let’s call her Sarah—who had been dating for eight years. Beautiful, intelligent, deeply faithful. She came to me frustrated because “there just aren’t any good Catholic men out there.”
But as we talked, a pattern emerged. The seminarian who left seminary for her? “Too spiritually immature.” The accountant who loved her laugh? “Not ambitious enough.” The teacher who wrote her poetry? “Doesn’t make enough money.” The doctor who shared her love of Adoration? “Too serious.”
Eight years. Dozens of good men. All dismissed for not matching the checklist.
Here’s what I’ve learned after fifteen years of ministry: Sometimes our “high standards” are actually high walls. And the difference between holy discernment and self-protection isn’t always as clear as we think.
The Pattern Beneath the Pattern
If this is making you uncomfortable, stay with me. Because there’s usually something deeper going on when we can’t find anyone “good enough.”
Maybe you’re afraid of being hurt again. Maybe you saw your parents’ imperfect marriage and decided yours would be flawless. Maybe you’ve been told you’re “too good for” people for so long that you believe settling for human means settling for less.
But here’s the thing about checklists: They’re often about control, not discernment. Real discernment—the kind the Church calls us to—requires vulnerability. It requires being open to God’s surprises. It requires trusting that He might know better than we do what we actually need.
The truth is, we are interpersonally relational beings. The Catholic Christian understanding of the person teaches us that we are formed by and for relationships. We need each other—not perfect versions of each other, but real, imperfect, growing people who can journey toward holiness together.
When we’ve been hurt before, our fallen nature wants to protect us by making sure we never risk that pain again. We create impossible standards as a way to stay safe. But safety isn’t the same as love.
The Mike Reality Check
I need to tell you something about my husband Mike.
When I met him, he didn’t check all my boxes. He wasn’t tall enough on paper. His career wasn’t impressive enough. He had been divorced. He had kids. He didn’t have the theological background I thought I wanted.
If I had stuck to my checklist, I would have missed the man who has helped me become the woman God created me to be. The man who prays with me, challenges me, and loves me through my own very real imperfections.
Mike didn’t match my mental list. But he matched something deeper—the call to grow in holiness together, to build something beautiful for God, to love each other into becoming our truest selves.
That’s what real discernment looks like. Not “Does this person meet my specifications?” but “Is God calling us toward each other for our mutual sanctification?”
The Church’s Wisdom on Imperfection
The Church doesn’t teach us to find perfect spouses. She teaches us something much more radical: that marriage is a path to holiness precisely because it involves two imperfect people learning to love sacrificially.
As St. John Paul II reminds us in Theology of the Body, the very nature of conjugal love is “expressed through the total gift of oneself.” But you can’t give yourself totally to someone who has to be perfect first. You can’t receive someone’s total gift if you’re constantly measuring it against an impossible standard.
The Church’s teaching on discernment is beautiful: “The discernment effected by the Church becomes the offering of an orientation in order that the entire truth and the full dignity of marriage and the family may be preserved and realized.” Notice what this doesn’t say. It doesn’t say discernment is about finding someone who meets every requirement. It’s about recognizing a call to build something true and dignified together.
Perfect conjugal love—the kind John Paul II calls us toward—isn’t love for a perfect person. It’s perfect love for an imperfect person. The kind of faithful, total donation that chooses to see the image of God in someone even when they’re having a bad hair day or struggling with anxiety or working a job that’s beneath their potential.
What Real Standards Look Like
I’m not saying lower your standards. I’m saying examine them.
There’s a difference between non-negotiables and preferences. Non-negotiables are about character and faith: Does this person love God? Are they growing in virtue? Do they treat others with respect? Are they emotionally available? Do we share the same vision for marriage and family life?
Everything else—height, income, hobbies, personality style—those are preferences. They matter, but they shouldn’t eliminate good people.
Here’s a question that cuts to the heart of it: Are your standards helping you recognize the person God has for you, or are they helping you avoid the vulnerability of actually loving someone real?
Because here’s what I know: The person God has for you will be imperfect. They’ll have struggles you didn’t expect. They’ll grow in ways that surprise you. They’ll challenge you in ways your checklist never accounted for.
And that’s exactly the point.
The Invitation to Trust
This doesn’t mean saying yes to everyone who asks you out. It doesn’t mean ignoring red flags or settling for someone who doesn’t share your values.
It means being open to being surprised by love.
It means asking God to show you the difference between His voice and the voice of fear in your discernment.
It means considering that maybe—just maybe—the reason you haven’t found “the one” isn’t because they don’t exist, but because you’ve been looking for someone who doesn’t need to exist.
Maybe the person for you is already in your life, but they’re five inches shorter than you planned. Maybe they’re the friend who makes you laugh but doesn’t have the degree you thought you wanted. Maybe they’re the person you dismissed because they seemed “too normal” or “too simple.”
Or maybe they’re still coming, but when they do arrive, they won’t look like your list—they’ll look like love.
Your Homework This Week
Here’s your homework: Take out a piece of paper and write down everything you think you want in a spouse. Everything.
Then go through that list and honestly mark each item as either a non-negotiable (character/faith issues that are genuinely necessary for a holy marriage) or a preference (things that would be nice but aren’t essential).
Be ruthless about this. If you have more than five non-negotiables, you’re probably mixing up preferences with requirements.
Then ask God this question: “What am I afraid of that’s disguised as a standard?”
Don’t try to fix anything yet. Just listen. Just see. That’s where healing begins.
The Beautiful Risk
Remember, you are created for love—not perfect love with a perfect person, but real love with a real person who’s journeying toward holiness just like you are.
The fortress of high standards might feel safe, but it’s not where love grows. Love grows in the vulnerable space where two imperfect people choose each other anyway, trusting God to do in their relationship what neither could do alone.
Your person doesn’t need to be flawless to be right for you. They need to be called toward the same God, the same holiness, the same beautiful vision of what marriage can become when two people stop trying to protect themselves and start trying to love each other.
That’s not settling. That’s trusting. And it’s exactly where miracles happen.
In Him,
Katie
Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.
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