Let me ask you something. When was the last time you witnessed a man confidently, respectfully pursuing a woman he was interested in? And when was the last time you saw a woman gracefully receiving that pursuit—neither chasing nor running, but allowing herself to be pursued?
If you’re scratching your head, you’re not alone.
Both Mike and I failed at marriage in our twenties, and looking back, part of the problem was that we had no idea what we were doing as man and woman. The culture had told us we were exactly the same, that gender was just a social construct, that anyone could do anything. Sounds progressive, right?
It was a disaster.
The Pattern: Everyone’s Confused and Nobody’s Moving
I see it every week in my coaching practice. Smart, faithful Catholic singles who are completely paralyzed when it comes to dating because they don’t understand their own identity as man or woman.
The men come to me terrified of being seen as “toxic” or “pushy” if they show genuine interest. They’ve been told that pursuing a woman is inherently disrespectful, that they should wait for her to make the first move. So they sit back, passive and paralyzed, hoping she’ll somehow read their mind.
The women come to me exhausted from always having to initiate. They’re tired of planning every date, making every move, carrying the emotional weight of the relationship. But they’re also scared that if they don’t, nothing will happen at all.
And then they wonder why their relationships feel off, why there’s no chemistry, why everything feels forced.
Here’s what I’ve learned after 15 years of ministry: When we don’t understand our identity as man and woman, we can’t dance together the way God intended.
Let me tell you about Sarah. She’s 32, brilliant, beautiful, loves Jesus with her whole heart. She came to me after a string of relationships that started strong but fizzled out. Every single one followed the same pattern: she would meet a guy, feel a spark, and then—when he didn’t make a move—she would.
She’d be the one to suggest they exchange numbers. She’d plan the dates. She’d bring up the “what are we?” conversation. She’d even be the one to initiate physical affection.
“Katie,” she told me, “I just don’t understand. I thought if I took charge, I’d get what I wanted. But these guys always seem to lose interest after a few months.”
Sarah had been told that being a “strong woman” meant acting like a man. But deep in her heart, she longed to be pursued, cherished, and chosen—not because she was weak, but because that’s how God designed the dance of love to work.
The Truth: We’re Different On Purpose
Here’s what the culture doesn’t want you to know: men and women are not the same. We’re equal in dignity, equal in worth, but we’re not identical. And that’s not a bug in God’s design—it’s a feature.
The Catechism puts it beautifully: “Everyone, man and woman, should acknowledge and accept his sexual identity. Physical, moral, and spiritual difference and complementarity are oriented toward the goods of marriage and the flourishing of family life” (CCC 2333).
Did you catch that? Complementarity. We’re designed to fit together, like pieces of a puzzle. Not because one is better than the other, but because each brings something unique and necessary to the relationship.
In his Theology of the Body, St. John Paul II teaches us about the “mutual reactions of masculinity and femininity”—the way men and women naturally respond to each other when we’re operating according to our design. There’s a beautiful dance that happens when masculine energy meets feminine energy in the right way.
Masculine energy, at its best, is initiating, protective, and directive. It says, “I see something beautiful and I’m going to pursue it.” It’s the energy that moves toward, that takes the risk of rejection, that says, “Let me plan something special for you.”
Feminine energy, at its best, is receptive, responsive, and inspiring. It says, “I’m worth pursuing, and I’ll let you know if your pursuit is welcome.” It’s the energy that receives, that responds to genuine effort, that inspires a man to be his best self.
This isn’t about stereotypes or putting anyone in a box. I know women who are natural leaders in their careers and men who are incredibly nurturing with their children. But in the dance of romantic love, there’s a reason why throughout history and across cultures, men have typically done the pursuing and women have done the responding.
It works.
When Mike Pursued Me (And How I Almost Ruined It)
Let me get vulnerable with you for a minute. When I met Mike, I had just come out of a failed marriage where I had basically worn the pants. I planned everything, made most of the decisions, and honestly, I was exhausted.
Mike was different. From our very first conversation, he made it clear that he was interested. He asked for my number. He called when he said he would. He planned actual dates—not just “let’s hang out and see what happens.”
And you know what my first instinct was? To take control.
I wanted to suggest restaurants. I wanted to plan activities. I wanted to have “the talk” about where things were going after our second date.
Thank God for wise friends who told me, “Katie, for once in your life, just let a man be a man.”
So I practiced something revolutionary: I received.
When Mike planned dates, I showed up with gratitude instead of criticism. When he opened doors, I said thank you instead of “I can do that myself.” When he wanted to take things slow and really get to know me, I resisted the urge to rush the process.
And something beautiful happened. The more space I gave him to lead, the more he stepped up. The more I allowed myself to be pursued, the more intentional his pursuit became.
It wasn’t about being passive—I was actively choosing to respond rather than initiate. And Mike? He became the man God designed him to be in relationship.
The Modern Confusion
But here’s where it gets messy. Our culture has spent the last 50 years telling us that these differences don’t matter, that they’re just “social constructs,” that anyone can do anything.
The result? A generation of men who have been told that their natural instinct to pursue is “toxic masculinity,” and women who have been told that wanting to be pursued makes them “weak” or “anti-feminist.”
So we have men like Jason, who told me, “Katie, I’m interested in this woman at my parish, but I’m terrified to ask her out. What if she thinks I’m a creep? What if I’m being too forward? Maybe I should just wait for her to give me a sign.”
Jason is 28 years old. He’s got a great job, loves Jesus, and is genuinely one of the kindest men I know. But he’s been so conditioned to suppress his masculine instincts that he’s paralyzed.
And women like Maria, who said to me, “I’m so tired of these passive guys. If I want something to happen, I have to make it happen. But then I feel like I’m chasing them, and it doesn’t feel right.”
Maria is living out what happens when feminine energy is forced into a masculine role. She’s capable, she’s effective, but she’s exhausted and resentful.
This is what happens when we try to erase the complementary nature of masculinity and femininity: nobody knows how to dance.
The Healing: Embracing Your Design
Here’s the good news: God’s design still works, even in our confused culture. But it requires intentionality.
For the men reading this: You are not toxic for wanting to pursue a woman you’re interested in. You are not being inappropriate by taking initiative. In fact, if you’ve met a quality Catholic woman and you’re interested, she’s probably hoping you’ll make a move—respectfully, clearly, and with genuine intention.
Your masculinity is not something to apologize for. It’s a gift. When you step into your role as pursuer, you create space for a woman to step into her femininity. When you plan, initiate, and take responsibility for the direction of the relationship, you’re not being controlling—you’re being a man.
For the women reading this: You are not weak for wanting to be pursued. You are not “setting women back” by allowing a man to take the lead in dating. When you create space for a good man to pursue you, you’re not being passive—you’re being wise.
Your femininity is not something to suppress. It’s a gift. When you respond rather than chase, when you receive rather than demand, when you inspire rather than control, you create space for a man to step into his masculinity.
The Dance Restored
What does this look like practically? It looks like the way God designed it from the beginning.
He asks you out. You respond with a yes or no—clearly and kindly.
He plans the date. You show up with gratitude and presence.
He initiates conversations about the future. You respond with honesty about your own hopes and concerns.
He pursues your heart. You decide whether his pursuit is worth receiving.
This doesn’t mean women become doormats or men become dictators. It means each person operates from their unique strengths in the service of authentic love.
As St. John Paul II reminds us in his Theology of the Body, there’s something beautiful that happens in “the mutual reactions of masculinity and femininity” when both people understand their role in the dance. There’s a natural rhythm, a complementarity that creates space for both people to flourish.
What About Strong Women and Sensitive Men?
I know what some of you are thinking: “But Katie, I’m a strong woman. I’m a leader. Does this mean I have to suppress who I am?”
Absolutely not.
There’s a difference between strength and masculinity, just like there’s a difference between sensitivity and femininity. You can be a strong woman who receives masculine pursuit. You can be a sensitive man who still initiates and leads.
I run a ministry, co-created an app, and coach people for a living. I’m not exactly a wilting flower. But in my marriage with Mike? I’ve learned the beauty of allowing him to lead our relationship while I support and respond.
He makes most of our major decisions—but only after seeking my input and wisdom. He plans our date nights—but he knows what I love because he pays attention. He initiates difficult conversations about our marriage—but he creates space for me to share my heart.
This isn’t about hierarchy or power. It’s about complementarity. It’s about each person bringing their unique gifts to create something beautiful together.
Your Homework This Week
Here’s your homework: Ask God to show you one way you’ve been operating outside of your design in dating relationships.
Men: Is there a woman you’re interested in that you haven’t pursued because you’re afraid of being “too forward”? Maybe it’s time to risk it.
Women: Are you currently chasing a man who should be pursuing you? Maybe it’s time to step back and see if he steps up.
Don’t try to fix everything at once. Just ask God for the courage to take one small step toward embracing who He made you to be as man or woman.
Remember: You Were Created for This Dance
The confusion you feel about gender roles isn’t your fault. You’ve been swimming against the current of a culture that wants to erase the very differences that make love possible.
But you were created for the dance. Male and female, He created us—not identical, but complementary. Not in competition, but in collaboration.
When men embrace their call to pursue and women embrace their call to respond, something beautiful happens. The dance that’s been disrupted gets restored. Love gets to be what God intended it to be from the beginning.
You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You’re just learning to dance the way you were always meant to.
In Him,
Katie
Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.
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