You won’t get a neon sign from heaven – and that’s actually okay. Discerning the right person to marry is a process of prayer, observation, counsel, and honest self-reflection. You’re looking for someone of genuine virtue, shared faith, and real compatibility – someone you can serve and build a life with, not just someone who gives you butterflies.
The Deeper Story
I know the uncertainty can be agonizing. You’re praying and waiting and wondering if you’re hearing God correctly. And the culture doesn’t help – it tells you to “follow your heart” and “you’ll just know.” But hearts can be confused, and certainty isn’t always the goal. Clarity is.
Marriage is not about finding the “perfect” person. It is about finding a person of sufficient virtue whom God is calling you to serve. That reframe is liberating because it takes the pressure off the impossible standard of perfection and puts it where it belongs – on virtue, character, and calling.
St. John Paul II taught that love involves “a totally committed and fully responsible attitude of a person to a person.” So the question isn’t “Do I feel perfectly certain?” The question is: “Can I make a fully responsible commitment to this person? And do I have good reason to believe they can do the same for me?”
At FAFE, we offer a practical framework: go slow, observe virtues and vices, involve community, pray together, be transparent, seek counsel, and be willing to walk away. That last one is hard. But being willing to walk away is what keeps your discernment honest. If you can’t imagine leaving, you can’t fully trust your decision to stay.
What This Means for Your Dating Life
Ask people who know you both. Seriously – your friends, family, and mentors can see things you can’t when you’re in the middle of it. Pray not just for an answer, but for the courage to accept whatever answer God gives.
Watch how this person handles suffering, stress, conflict, and boredom. Anyone can be charming on a Saturday date night. Marriage is mostly Tuesday afternoons. Does this person have the character for Tuesdays?
And check your peace. Not excitement – peace. The deep, quiet kind that persists even when things are hard.
Where to Go from Here
If you’re in a relationship and wondering, bring your discernment to a trusted priest or spiritual director this month. Don’t carry the question alone. God speaks through His Church and through the people He’s placed in your life. Let them help you listen.