Concupiscence is the fancy theological word for something you already know in your bones: that pull inside you toward using people instead of loving them. It’s not a sin itself — it’s the tendency toward sin that we all inherited from the Fall. In dating, it shows up as the impulse to reduce someone to their appearance, their usefulness, or what they can do for you. And being honest about it is the first step toward freedom.
The Deeper Story
John Paul II didn’t shy away from this. He taught that “the spousal meaning of the body has been distorted, almost at its roots, by concupiscence” (TOB). That’s a heavy sentence, but it names something real. The body was made to express self-giving love — but after sin, our desires got tangled. We look at another person and instead of seeing a gift to receive, we see an object to consume.
This is why Original Nakedness was lost. Before the Fall, Adam and Eve could see each other fully without shame because their gaze was pure. After the Fall, nakedness became dangerous — not because the body is bad, but because the way we look at the body had changed.
But John Paul II didn’t stop at the diagnosis. He gave us the cure: “The virtue of continence in its mature form gradually reveals the pure aspect of the spousal meaning of the body” (TOB). Continence — the practice of self-mastery — isn’t about white-knuckling your way through temptation. In its mature form, it restores your vision. You begin to see people as they truly are again.
What This Means for Your Dating Life
Be honest with yourself. When you scroll dating apps, what are you looking at first — and what does that reveal about your heart? When you’re on a date, are you thinking about what this person can give you, or who they actually are?
Concupiscence isn’t a reason for despair. It’s a reason for humility, regular confession, and intentional growth in virtue. Every time you choose to see the person instead of the object, you’re pushing back against the Fall. That’s not small — that’s heroic.
Where to Go from Here
Bring this to prayer and to the sacrament of Reconciliation. Then read our explainers on Chastity and the Virtue of Purity to learn the practical habits that heal what concupiscence has distorted. You were made for more than this, and grace is stronger than the pull.