There is no official Catholic rule about how long to date before getting engaged. But wisdom – both pastoral and practical – suggests you need at least a year of intentional courtship to truly know someone’s character. Most priests and marriage preparation programs recommend 1-2 years of serious dating before engagement, with an additional 6-12 months of engagement before the wedding.
The Deeper Story
I know the waiting can feel endless. Especially when you’re in your late twenties or thirties and everyone around you seems to be getting married. The temptation is to rush – to lock it down before they change their mind or before another year passes.
But here’s what rushing costs you: clarity. And clarity is everything in discernment.
The Catechism calls the time before marriage “a discovery of mutual respect, an apprenticeship in fidelity, and the hope of receiving one another from God” (CCC 2350). Apprenticeship takes time. You can’t apprentice in a weekend. You need to see this person across seasons – not just the honeymoon phase, but the stress, the boredom, the grief, the ordinary Tuesday evenings when nobody’s trying to impress anyone.
At FAFE, our first principle is: go slow. There’s a reason it comes first. Rushing is almost always driven by anxiety, not by the Holy Spirit. God is patient with your discernment. You can be too.
Marriage is not about finding the “perfect” person. It is about finding a person of sufficient virtue whom God is calling you to serve. And it takes time to see virtue clearly – especially the kind that holds up under pressure. You need to see how someone handles a family crisis, a professional disappointment, a disagreement with you, and a long stretch of ordinary life. That doesn’t happen in three months.
What This Means for Your Dating Life
Give yourself permission to take your time without guilt. If someone pressures you to move faster than you’re ready, that’s information about their character. A person who can wait for you is showing you patience – and patience is a virtue you’ll need in marriage every single day.
Use the time well. Don’t just coast. Be intentional about having the important conversations: faith, finances, family, children, conflict styles, expectations. As Jesus taught, “Let your yes be yes and your no be no” (Matthew 5:37). When you finally say yes to an engagement, make it a yes that’s been tested and found true.
Where to Go from Here
If you’re in a relationship and wondering about timing, talk to a priest or a married couple you admire. Ask them what they wish they’d known before they got engaged. Their experience is a gift – receive it. And keep praying. God’s timing is always better than yours, even when it doesn’t feel like it.