Catholics should look for virtue first, shared faith second, and emotional maturity third – then compatibility and attraction after that. Chemistry is real and it matters, but it is not a foundation. Marriage is not about finding the “perfect” person. It is about finding a person of sufficient virtue whom God is calling you to serve.
The Deeper Story
I know this can sound unromantic. We’ve been formed by a culture that says “follow your heart” and “you’ll just know.” And sometimes you do feel a spark. But feelings are not discernment.
The Catholic tradition gives you something more reliable than a feeling. It gives you a framework. At FAFE, we teach: go slow, observe virtues and vices, involve community, pray together, be transparent, seek counsel, and be willing to walk away.
Notice what comes first – observe virtues and vices. Before you ask “Do I love this person?”, ask: Is this person honest? Generous? Patient under stress? Do they take responsibility for their mistakes? Do they love God with their whole heart, not just on Sundays?
St. John Paul II taught that love involves “a totally committed and fully responsible attitude of a person to a person.” You’re not just choosing someone to date. You’re evaluating whether this person can make and keep a covenant. That takes character. It takes virtue. And it takes time to see clearly.
The Catechism reminds us that those discerning marriage should see this time as “a discovery of mutual respect, an apprenticeship in fidelity, and the hope of receiving one another from God” (CCC 2350). That’s beautiful – and it means the dating period itself is formative, not just a waiting room for the wedding.
What This Means for Your Dating Life
Make a short list – not of superficial preferences, but of non-negotiables rooted in virtue. Does this person practice their faith consistently? Can they handle conflict without cruelty? Are they honest even when it’s costly? Do they respect your boundaries?
Watch how they treat people who can do nothing for them. Watch how they respond when things don’t go their way. Character is revealed in the ordinary moments, not the candlelit ones.
Where to Go from Here
Write down three virtues you need in a spouse and three vices that would be dealbreakers. Bring that list to prayer. Then bring it to your next date – not on paper, but in your awareness. Ask God to help you see clearly, and trust that He will.