“Why can’t I find the one?”
I hear this question constantly. In coaching sessions, in parish events, in DMs from Catholic singles who feel like they’ve done everything right and still end up alone on a Friday night.
But here’s the thing–I always ask a follow-up question: The one for what? The one to make you happy when you’re sad? The one to travel with? The one to help you get to heaven? The one to love? Because how you finish that sentence changes everything about how you search.
Jesus told us plainly: “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you” (Matthew 7:7). Most of us know this verse. Few of us have ever applied it to dating with any real intention.
Ask: Know What You’re Looking For
The first step is deceptively simple: get honest about what you actually want–and what you actually need.
I have people make three lists. First, describe the person of your dreams. Be fearlessly specific: values, character, faith, how they handle conflict, how they treat their mother. Not just “tall and Catholic.” Second, describe the person of your nightmares. The qualities you know would destroy you. Third–and this is where it gets uncomfortable–put yourself in the shoes of your dream spouse and write down what their dream partner would look like. Then use that list as an examination of conscience.
One woman I coached–let’s call her Jenna–wanted a man who was emotionally available, deeply prayerful, and financially responsible. When she did the third list exercise, she realized she wasn’t any of those things herself. She was guarded, sporadic in prayer, and drowning in credit card debt. That was a hard morning. It was also the turning point.
The Catechism teaches that each person possesses the dignity of someone capable of “self-knowledge, of self-possession and of freely giving himself and entering into communion with other persons” (CCC 357). You can’t give what you don’t have. Knowing yourself–honestly–isn’t vanity. It’s the necessary preparation for the gift of self that love requires.
Seek: Go Where Your Person Would Be
Once you know what you’re looking for–and once you’ve started becoming the person worth finding–the next step is to put yourself where that person would be.
This sounds obvious, but it’s where most people stall. They pray for a spouse and then sit on the couch every Saturday night. Or they go to the same three places with the same three friends and wonder why nothing changes.
Think about the person you described on your dream list. Where would they spend their time? Who would they surround themselves with? What would they be doing? Go to those places. Spend time with those people. Do those things.
This might require moving outside your comfort zone. It might mean joining a ministry you’ve never tried, attending a conference alone, or simply being present in spaces where people of deep faith gather. St. John Paul II called love “the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being” (Familiaris Consortio, 11). But a vocation requires movement. It requires you to respond, not just wait.
A word of caution here: vastly different values can be a real problem. Shared core values–faith, vision for family, moral compass–aren’t just nice to have. They’re the foundation that everything else is built on.
Knock: Take the Risk
This is the step that terrifies people. When you find someone who might be the person you’ve been looking for, you have to do something about it. Ask them out. Be clear about your intentions.
I know the fear of rejection is real. I’ve been there. But here’s what I’ve learned: clarity is kindness. A simple “I’d love to take you to coffee this Saturday” is worth more than six months of vague texting and ambiguous signals.
And if you’re on the receiving end? Be kind. Be direct. Give someone a chance if there’s no real reason not to. And if you’re not interested, say so honestly. “Thank you, but I don’t think this will work out” is a complete sentence. It’s also a gift–because it frees both of you to keep looking.
Marriage is a calling, not just a relationship status. And discerning a calling means being active, not passive. It means praying, yes–but also asking, seeking, and knocking.
Your Next Step
This week, make those three lists. Your dream person. Your nightmare person. And the honest self-assessment. Don’t rush it. Sit with each list. Review them before bed and bring them to prayer.
Then pick one area where your third list reveals a gap–one thing you can start improving now. Find someone to hold you accountable. Because the journey toward finding the right person always begins with becoming one.
You’re not alone in this search. And it’s not too late.
In Him,
Katie
Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.