Can we be honest for a minute? If you grew up Catholic, chances are the message you received about sexuality sounded something like a long list of things you weren’t supposed to do. Don’t have sex before marriage. Don’t look at that. Don’t think about that. Don’t, don’t, don’t.

And if that’s all you heard, I understand why the Church’s teaching on sexuality might feel like a cage instead of an invitation.

But here’s the thing: the Church doesn’t teach that sexuality is dangerous. She teaches that it’s sacred. And sacred things deserve to be handled with reverence, not fear.

Your Sexuality Is Bigger Than You Think

Most of us have a pretty narrow definition of sexuality. We think it means sex. Full stop. But your sexuality is so much more than that. It’s the totality of who you are as a man or a woman–your masculinity or femininity, the way you relate, the way you love, the way you give yourself.

God created us male and female in a complementary unity that reflects different facets of His own nature. Men and women have unique qualities and contributions that aren’t rigid stereotypes–they’re gifts that enrich every relationship and community we’re part of.

When I work with Catholic singles, one of the first things I ask is: “Describe your sexuality and explain what it’s for.” The room usually goes silent. Most people have never been asked to think about their sexuality positively. They’ve only been told what it isn’t for.

The Catechism says that chastity means “the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being” (CCC 2337). Notice that word: integration. Not suppression. Not denial. Integration. Your sexuality becomes truly human and truly personal when it’s woven into the whole of who you are–body and soul together.

Chastity Isn’t a Long “No”

This is where most people get stuck. They think chastity is about white-knuckling it through desire until their wedding night. St. John Paul II saw right through that misconception. He wrote that chastity involves a “quickness to affirm the value of the person” above the pull of physical desire. It’s not about pretending attraction doesn’t exist. It’s about ordering that attraction toward the true good of the other person.

I worked with a couple–let’s call them Rachel and Ben–who came to me convinced that their physical chemistry was proof they were meant for each other. Three months into coaching, they realized they’d never had a conversation about faith, finances, or whether they wanted children. All their energy had gone into managing physical boundaries instead of building actual intimacy.

The truth is, emotional attraction and physical attraction are deeply interconnected. Where your heart goes, your body wants to follow. So if you want to be a person of sexual integrity, you have to start with emotional integrity. That means being honest about what you feel, why you feel it, and whether you’re using someone emotionally even if you’re not using them physically.

What Sexuality Is Actually For

God designed sexuality with a twofold purpose: unity and life. The unitive meaning of sexual intimacy–the deep personal bond between spouses–is just as important as the procreative. Within marriage, sexual pleasure isn’t sinful or shameful. It’s a gift. It’s a language of love that strengthens the bond between husband and wife.

But that gift only works when it’s rooted in the total, lifelong commitment of marriage. When we separate sexuality from that context–through hookup culture, cohabitation, or pornography–we’re not just breaking rules. We’re fragmenting ourselves. We’re trying to speak a language of total self-gift with our bodies while withholding parts of ourselves with our choices.

St. John Paul II said that man “can give himself to the other” only insofar as he is master of himself. That mastery isn’t repression–it’s freedom. The person who has self-control has something to offer. The person enslaved to impulse has nothing left to give.

So what does this look like practically, before marriage? It means setting clear boundaries–not because the body is bad, but because it matters too much to misuse. It means investing in emotional intimacy: real conversations, genuine vulnerability, shared prayer. It means choosing group settings or public spaces when physical temptation is high. And it means recognizing that every relationship is unique–you need wisdom, not just rules.

Your Next Step

This week, try reframing your understanding of sexuality. Instead of thinking about what you can’t do, ask yourself: What is my sexuality for? How does it reflect who God made me to be?

Then have one honest conversation with someone you trust–a mentor, a spiritual director, a close friend–about what chastity actually looks like in your life right now. Not the textbook definition. Your real life.

Your body tells a story. Make sure it’s telling the truth.

In Him,

Katie

Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.