Can I ask you something honest? When was the last time someone you went on a date with told you their intentions upfront?

If you had to think about it, you’re not alone. We live in a culture where “dating” usually means an ambiguous series of hangouts with no clear direction, no expressed commitment, and no end goal beyond “let’s see where this goes.” And most of us have accepted that as normal.

But it’s not. Not for someone who wants real, lasting love. And definitely not for someone who understands that marriage is a calling, not just a next step.

Dating Without Direction Is Just Entertainment

Here’s what I’ve learned from walking with hundreds of Catholic singles: casual dating without intention produces one of two outcomes. Either you get hurt because you invested in someone who was never headed where you were. Or you waste years in a relationship that feels comfortable but never moves toward anything meaningful.

There’s a better way. And it’s been around a lot longer than Hinge.

The Christian tradition calls it courtship–and before you picture horse-drawn buggies and arranged marriages, hear me out. Courtship simply means dating with purpose. It means getting to know someone with the specific goal of discerning whether God is calling you to marry them. That’s it. No mystery. No games. No ambiguity.

St. John Paul II called love “the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being” (Familiaris Consortio, 11). If love is a vocation–a calling–then discerning who to love isn’t casual. It’s sacred work.

A Framework That Actually Works

After years of ministry and coaching, Mike and I have seen a rhythm emerge in relationships that work. Not a rigid formula–every couple is unique–but a framework that protects hearts while allowing real connection to grow.

Stage One: Friendship (three to six months). This is where most people rush and most relationships pay the price later. In this stage, you’re not a couple. You’re two people getting to know each other’s character. You’re watching how they treat others, how they handle stress, whether their faith is lived or performed. No romance. No exclusivity. No physical affection yet.

I know that sounds counter-cultural. It is. But I worked with a woman–let’s call her Claire–who fell hard for a man after three dates, declared him “the one,” and three months later discovered he had a pornography addiction he’d never disclosed. If she’d spent those first months in genuine friendship instead of romantic intensity, she would have seen the signs.

Stage Two: Courtship (three to six months). Now it gets more intentional. You’re becoming exclusive. You’re meeting each other’s families. You’re evaluating whether this person has the virtue, the faith, and the freedom to build a life with you. You’re discussing the big things: faith, finances, children, life goals. Transparency builds trust, and anything hidden now becomes a landmine later.

The Catechism describes the marriage covenant as a partnership “ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring” (CCC 1601). You’re discerning whether this person is someone you can build that partnership with–not just someone who makes your heart race.

Stage Three: Betrothal (six to twelve months). You’ve discerned well, and now you’re preparing for marriage with intentionality. Deeper integration of prayer life. Pre-marriage preparation with your priest. This is where hearts begin to sync in a more permanent way.

Stage Four: Marriage (forever). The gift of self, lived out daily. Not a destination but a daily commitment to choose each other–especially on the days when it’s hard.

Why Vulnerability Matters at Every Stage

Fr. Thomas Keating once said that vulnerability means being hurt again and again without seeking to love less, but more. That’s the posture this whole process requires. Not recklessness. Not guarding your heart so tightly that no one can get in. But an honest, prayerful willingness to be known.

Both Mike and I failed at marriage in our twenties because we skipped this. We didn’t know ourselves. We didn’t let ourselves be known. We thought love was enough without formation, without intention, without God at the center. It wasn’t. But God redeems what we give Him–even our failures.

Your Next Step

This week, ask yourself one question: Am I dating with intention, or am I just going through the motions? If you’re currently in a relationship, where would you place it in these stages? If you’re single, what would it look like to approach your next date with real purpose–not pressure, but clarity?

Marriage is worth preparing for. And preparation starts long before the first date.

You’re not alone in this. And the right approach makes all the difference.

In Him,

Katie

Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.