Can I ask you something honest? Have you ever been on a date where everything looked right on paper, but the conversation felt like you were speaking two different languages?

Maybe you’re the kind of person who walks into a room and lights it up, while they sit quietly in the corner, observing. Or maybe you’re the one who needs time to process your feelings, and the person across from you has already moved on to the next topic before you’ve finished your first thought. It’s not that either of you is wrong. You’re just wired differently.

I see this all the time in coaching. Two good people, genuinely trying, but tripping over each other because they don’t understand the basic architecture of how they’re each built.

God Designed You with a Specific Temperament

Here’s what I wish someone had told me in my twenties: your temperament isn’t a personality quiz result you post on Instagram. It’s part of God’s unique design for you. The way you process emotions, handle conflict, engage with other people, and respond to change–these aren’t random. They’re woven into who you are.

There are four classic temperaments: sanguine (the life of the party), choleric (the natural leader), melancholic (the deep thinker), and phlegmatic (the peacemaker). Most of us carry a primary and secondary temperament, and understanding yours is one of the most practical things you can do for your dating life.

I worked with a woman–let’s call her Ana–who kept ending relationships after about three months. Smart, faithful, beautiful. But she was a deep-feeling melancholic dating a string of sanguine men who loved the rush of a new relationship but couldn’t sit with her in the quiet, reflective moments she needed. Once she understood this pattern, everything shifted. It wasn’t that those men were bad. They just weren’t built to meet her where she lived.

The Catechism reminds us that each person possesses the dignity of someone who “is capable of self-knowledge, of self-possession and of freely giving himself and entering into communion with other persons” (CCC 357). Self-knowledge isn’t a luxury. It’s a prerequisite for real communion with another person.

Why Temperament Matters in Dating

Your temperament shapes four critical areas of every relationship:

Communication. A direct choleric might bulldoze right over a sensitive melancholic without realizing it. A chatty sanguine might misread a quiet phlegmatic as cold or disinterested, when really they’re just processing internally.

Conflict. Some temperaments lean toward confrontation; others avoid it at all costs. Neither is wrong, but if you don’t understand this about each other, every disagreement becomes a referendum on the relationship instead of a conversation to navigate.

Social energy. One of you wants to be at every parish event; the other needs a quiet evening at home to recharge. This isn’t incompatibility–it’s complementarity, if you understand it.

Adaptability. When life throws a curveball–and it will–a cautious melancholic and a steady phlegmatic might handle it beautifully together. But if neither of you understands why the other responds the way they do, the same curveball can crack your foundation.

Here’s the thing: differing temperaments aren’t a dealbreaker. They can actually be a gift. One partner’s strengths can balance the other’s weaknesses. But that only works if you know what you’re bringing to the table–and what the person across from you is bringing, too.

The Danger of Masking

But here’s where it gets tricky. A lot of us don’t show our real temperament when we’re dating. We mask. We perform a version of ourselves we think the other person wants to see.

I get it. The fear of rejection is real. But masking has a cost. It creates emotional strain, it prevents genuine connection, and eventually–sometimes months into a relationship, sometimes years into a marriage–the mask slips. And the person you’re with feels like they married a stranger.

Both Mike and I failed at marriage in our twenties. We didn’t include God, we weren’t formed well, and we ignored the wisdom of those who loved us. Part of what we ignored was this: we didn’t know ourselves, and we didn’t let ourselves be known. We thought love alone would be enough. It wasn’t.

St. John Paul II understood that attraction between people is “directed by moral character and spiritual values,” not just chemistry or surface compatibility. Authentic connection requires authenticity first.

Your Next Step

This week, I want you to try something simple. Take an honest look at your temperament. Are you sanguine, choleric, melancholic, or phlegmatic? Not who you wish you were. Not who you perform on a first date. Who you actually are.

Then ask yourself: in my last relationship or dating experience, where did temperament differences cause friction? Where could understanding have replaced frustration?

And if you’re brave enough, ask a close friend or family member how they’d describe your temperament. Sometimes the people who love us see us more clearly than we see ourselves.

Finding the right person starts with knowing the real you–and having the courage to let that person be seen.

In Him,

Katie

Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.