Let me ask you something. When you picture your future spouse, what comes to mind first? Their smile? Their sense of humor? The way they make you feel when they walk into a room?

Now let me ask you a harder question: Have you ever considered whether they’re prudent? Just? Temperate?

I know. Not exactly the stuff of romantic comedies. But after coaching hundreds of Catholic singles, I can tell you this with absolute certainty: attraction gets you to the first date. Virtue gets you to a fiftieth anniversary.

Why Nobody Talks About Virtue in Dating

We live in a culture that’s obsessed with chemistry and almost allergic to character. Dating advice tells you to look for someone who makes you laugh, who gives you butterflies, who shares your taste in music. And those things aren’t nothing. But they’re not enough.

I recently worked with a couple–let’s call them Lauren and Marco. They had incredible chemistry. Same friend group, same parish, same love of hiking. Two years in, Lauren came to me devastated. Marco couldn’t hold a job, avoided difficult conversations, and spent money they didn’t have. He was fun. He was charming. But he lacked the basic habits of character that make a marriage work.

That’s what virtue is: not a personality trait or a feeling, but a habit. The Catechism calls virtues “firm attitudes, stable dispositions, habitual perfections of intellect and will that govern our actions, order our passions, and guide our conduct” (CCC 1804). They’re the habits you develop, not fixed traits you’re born with. And they’re the most reliable indicators of whether someone is ready for the self-gift that marriage requires.

The Four Virtues That Matter Most

The Church identifies four cardinal virtues–prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance–and each one shows up in dating in very practical ways.

Prudence is practical wisdom. Does this person tell white lies or follow through on what they say? Do they make decisions considering the good of others, or only themselves? A prudent person is responsive, not reactive, when life gets hard.

Justice is the habit of giving others what they’re owed–respect, honesty, fairness. Does this person honor commitments? Do they treat the waiter the same way they treat you? Justice toward others is a window into how they’ll treat you when the romance fades and the real work begins.

Fortitude is staying power. Has this person persevered through hard things–a difficult job, a family crisis, a season of loneliness? Or do they bail when things get uncomfortable? Marriage is built on showing up on the days when you don’t feel like it. Fortitude is the virtue that makes that possible.

Temperance is self-mastery. Can they moderate their appetites–for pleasure, for spending, for attention? The temperate person can relax and enjoy life without crossing lines. If someone can’t exercise restraint now, that pattern doesn’t magically reverse after the wedding.

Looking in the Mirror

But here’s the part that stings: this isn’t just about evaluating the other person. It’s about looking at yourself.

Can I be honest? When I was dating in my twenties, I had a list a mile long of what I wanted in a husband. Smart, successful, Catholic, tall. Nowhere on that list were the words “prudent” or “temperate.” And my list didn’t include a single honest assessment of my own character.

St. John Paul II wrote that a person called to marriage “must not only love someone but be prepared to give him or herself for love.” That preparation isn’t about finding the right outfit for a first date. It’s about doing the interior work–building habits of patience, honesty, generosity, and self-control–so that when you find the right person, you have something real to offer.

The moral virtues aren’t just acquired by luck. They’re the fruit of morally good acts, practiced over and over until they become second nature. You don’t become virtuous by wanting to be. You become virtuous by choosing, daily, to do the hard, good thing.

Your Next Step

This week, take the four cardinal virtues–prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance–and do an honest inventory. Not of the person you’re dating or hoping to date. Of yourself.

Where are you strong? Where do you struggle? Pick one virtue that needs work and choose one concrete action this week to practice it. Maybe it’s following through on a commitment you’d rather skip. Maybe it’s pausing before reacting in anger. Maybe it’s saying no to something you want but don’t need.

Because finding the right person starts with becoming the right person. And becoming the right person is a daily, unglamorous, grace-filled practice.

You’re not behind in this work. You’re right where the formation begins.

In Him,

Katie

Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.