If you’re reading this, I already know something about you. You’ve probably asked yourself this question more times than you’d like to admit–usually late at night, or right after a breakup, or scrolling through yet another dating app profile trying to figure out what you actually want.

Who am I?

Not the Instagram version. Not the version your parents hoped you’d become. Not the version you perform on a first date. The real you.

I spent most of my twenties not knowing the answer to that question. And it cost me a marriage.

The Identity Crisis Nobody Talks About

Here’s what I’ve learned after more than a decade of ministry: almost every dating struggle I see comes back to identity. Not compatibility issues. Not bad timing. Not even bad choices–though those happen too. The root is almost always this: someone doesn’t know who they are, so they can’t fully give themselves to another person.

I worked with a man–let’s call him David–who was 35, successful, faithful, and completely lost. He could tell you his job title, his parish, his favorite podcast. But when I asked him, “David, who are you apart from all of that?” he went quiet. He’d spent his whole life building a resume instead of building a self.

That’s more common than you think. We live in a culture that tells us identity comes from achievement, appearance, relationship status, or social media metrics. And when those things shift–and they always do–we’re left scrambling.

The dissatisfaction, the confusion, the insecurity so many singles feel? It often comes from trying to find identity in something that was never meant to hold it.

Your Identity Has a Source

The Catechism says something breathtaking about who you are: “Being in the image of God the human individual possesses the dignity of a person, who is not just something, but someone” (CCC 357). You’re not something. You’re someone. Someone capable of self-knowledge, self-possession, and freely giving yourself to another in communion.

Read that again slowly. You are capable of knowing yourself, possessing yourself, and giving yourself away. But here’s the catch–you can’t give what you don’t have. If you don’t possess yourself, if you don’t know yourself, then what exactly are you offering in a relationship?

There’s a longing in each of us that only God can fill, because we are made in His image, from Him. Our identity is a composite of body and soul, made with inherent dignity, unique and unrepeatable.

The Psalmist understood this: “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:13-14). This isn’t a greeting card sentiment. It’s the foundation of everything.

What Happens When You Build on the Wrong Foundation

When we try to find our identity outside of God–in a relationship, in being chosen, in being desired–we set ourselves up for heartbreak. Not because those things are bad, but because they were never designed to carry the weight of our identity.

I’ve watched women lose themselves completely in relationships, morphing into whoever their boyfriend needed them to be. I’ve watched men tie their worth to whether or not they could attract the woman they wanted. And in both cases, the relationship either crumbled under the pressure or produced a version of love that looked nothing like the real thing.

Both Mike and I learned this the hard way. We didn’t include God in our first marriages. We didn’t know ourselves well enough to give ourselves honestly. We thought love alone would be enough. It wasn’t. But God is in the business of redemption.

Learning the Truth About Yourself

So how do you actually learn who you are? Not through another personality quiz. Through encounter.

An encounter with the God who made you. Through Scripture, through the sacraments, through the wisdom of the Church, through daily prayer. When you sit with God long enough, He begins to tell you the truth about yourself–the truth that no breakup, no rejection, no amount of swiping can take away.

Your identity isn’t something you build. It’s something you receive.

Your Next Step

This week, try this: spend ten minutes in silence each day. No phone, no podcast, no noise. Just you and God. Ask Him one simple question: “Who do You say I am?”

Write down whatever comes to mind. It might be a Scripture verse. It might be a word. It might be silence. Stay with it. Because knowing who you are–truly–is the first step toward finding the person God has for you.

You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You’re being formed.

In Him,

Katie

Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.