Let me ask you something that might sting a little. Have you ever caught yourself repeating the same pattern in relationships–choosing the same kind of person, making the same kind of mistake, ending up in the same kind of pain–and wondered why?
It’s not because you’re broken beyond repair. But it might be because there’s a wound underneath the pattern that you’ve never let God heal.
The Connection Nobody Explains
Here’s what I’ve learned after fifteen years of ministry: sin and wounds are deeply interrelated. Sin doesn’t just cause wounds. It grows out of wounds. We often sin as a way of trying to escape the suffering that our wounds create.
Think about it. The person who struggles with lust may actually be starving for genuine intimacy they never received. The person who hoards–whether money, control, or attention–may be trying to fill a void left by childhood instability. The person who explodes in anger may be reacting to years of feeling unheard.
This doesn’t excuse the behavior. But it explains it. And understanding the root is the first step toward real freedom.
I worked with a woman–let’s call her Maggie–who kept dating men who were emotionally unavailable. She’d pick them, pursue them, and then be devastated when they couldn’t show up for her. When we finally dug into her story, we found a father who was physically present but emotionally absent her entire childhood. She wasn’t making bad choices. She was re-creating the only version of love she’d ever known.
Seven Desires, Seven Wounds
Every human heart has deep, God-given desires: to be heard and understood, to be affirmed, to be blessed with unconditional love, to be safe, to be touched with healthy affection, to be chosen, and to be included.
When these desires are unmet–especially in childhood–they leave wounds. Those wounds create identity lies, the false beliefs we carry in our hearts about who we are and what we deserve. “I’m not enough.” “If they really knew me, they’d leave.” “Love always comes with conditions.”
These lies are strongholds. They shape how we date, who we’re attracted to, and what we tolerate in relationships. As one author puts it, the emotional pain we feel in the present is often triggered by lie-based thinking rooted in memory–a false belief learned during a specific, painful event.
The lies get planted when we’re young, through our misinterpretation of painful events. And they lead to inner vows–promises we make to ourselves that bind us: “I’ll never be vulnerable again.” “I’ll never need anyone.” “I’ll make sure no one can hurt me like that.”
Those vows feel like protection. They’re actually prisons.
Freedom Is Possible
Jesus was explicit about this: “I have come to set the captives free” (Luke 4:18). He also said, “I came that they might have life and have it to the fullest” (John 10:10). That’s not a life managed around your wounds. That’s a life transformed through healing.
Here’s the truth the world won’t tell you: there can be no real love without freedom. If you’re enslaved to your wounds–to your fears, your vows, your protective patterns–you’re not free to give yourself to another person. You’re too busy guarding yourself. And you can’t give what you don’t possess.
True love, as St. John Paul II taught, is to make a gift of one’s self for the good of the other. But if we’re slaves to our brokenness, we’re not free to give ourselves away. We’re always focused on protecting or satisfying ourselves instead of loving the person in front of us.
Both Mike and I lived this. Our first marriages were shaped by wounds neither of us had addressed. We didn’t include God. We weren’t formed. We ignored the wisdom of people who loved us. We thought love alone would carry us through. It didn’t.
But God didn’t leave us there. Through years of healing–therapy, spiritual direction, honest community, hard work–we learned what we wished someone had taught us before our first weddings. That’s why we built this ministry. Because you don’t have to figure this out alone.
Healing Ushers in Freedom
Healing from strongholds, inner vows, and false beliefs opens the door to freedom. And freedom allows you to respond to the Holy Spirit, to grow in virtue, to move toward the union you were made for. Scripture says it plainly: “The truth will set you free” (John 8:32).
Your Next Step
This week, take an honest inventory. What patterns keep repeating in your relationships? What feelings come up most often–fear, anger, shame, emptiness? Trace them back. Where did they start?
Then bring what you find to God in prayer. And consider reaching out to a trusted counselor, spiritual director, or mentor who can walk with you through the healing process. You don’t have to do this alone.
Your wounds aren’t disqualifiers. They’re invitations to healing. And healing is the path to the love you were made for.
In Him,
Katie
Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.
Note: If this article brings up painful memories or you’re struggling with serious trauma, please reach out to a licensed counselor or your parish priest. You don’t have to process this alone. If you’re in crisis, call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).