By Katie Palitto | Finding Adam Finding Eve Ministry

Can we be honest for a minute?

You’re probably exhausted. Not just tired of swiping—though you’re definitely that. You’re exhausted from the ambiguity. The “what are we” conversations that never happen. The situationships that drift for months without anyone naming what’s actually going on.

You’ve done the casual thing. You’ve “seen where it goes.” You’ve kept things light and avoided the DTR talk because you didn’t want to seem needy or scare someone off.

And where has that gotten you?

If you’re reading this, I’m guessing the answer is: nowhere good.

Here’s what I’ve learned after fifteen years of mentoring Catholic singles: The people who find lasting, holy love aren’t the ones who play it cool. They’re the ones who date with intention.

And that’s exactly what we’re going to talk about today.

What Is Intentional Dating?

Let’s start with what intentional dating is not.

It’s not being desperate. It’s not bringing up marriage on the first date or scaring people off with intensity. It’s not having a checklist of 47 requirements and rejecting anyone who doesn’t meet them all.

Intentional dating is simply this: dating with clarity about what you’re looking for and courage to communicate it.

It’s the opposite of drift. The opposite of ambiguity. The opposite of “hanging out” for six months while neither person acknowledges that there might be something more here.

The Church has always understood that marriage is serious business. The Catechism teaches that matrimony “is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring” (CCC 1601). That’s a big deal. That’s a lifelong covenant that will shape everything about your future.

Doesn’t something that important deserve intentional preparation?

When Mike and I failed at marriage in our twenties, it wasn’t because we didn’t love each other. We did. But we had drifted into marriage the same way we’d drifted through dating—without real intentionality, without formation, without asking the hard questions.

We thought love alone would be enough.

It wasn’t.

That’s why I’m so passionate about this topic now. Intentional dating isn’t some trendy approach to relationships—it’s the foundation for a marriage that actually lasts.

Why Intentional Dating Matters More Than Ever

The Culture Has Failed You

Let’s name what’s actually happening in modern dating culture:

Situationships have replaced relationships. You can be sleeping with someone, spending every weekend together, and meeting their friends—but the moment you ask “what are we?” you’re the one being “too much.”

Commitment phobia is normalized. Keeping your options open is seen as wisdom rather than cowardice. Defining the relationship is viewed as trapping rather than honoring.

Ambiguity is the default. Nobody wants to be the one who cares more. So everyone plays it cool, and meaningful connection gets sacrificed on the altar of self-protection.

I worked with a client last year—let’s call her Sarah—who had been “dating” someone for eight months. They saw each other three times a week. She’d met his parents. He’d helped her move apartments.

When I asked if they’d discussed where things were heading, she said, “I don’t want to pressure him.”

Eight months. Meeting the parents. And she was afraid to ask if they were actually in a relationship.

That’s what our culture has done. It’s made clarity feel like pressure and intentionality feel like desperation.

But here’s the thing: You deserve better than that. And so does the person you’re dating.

The Catholic Vision Is Different

The Church offers something radically countercultural: a vision of dating as discernment.

You’re not just looking for someone you’re attracted to. You’re not just seeking compatibility or chemistry. You’re discerning whether this person could be your partner in building a domestic church—a household centered on Christ, open to life, oriented toward heaven.

St. John Paul II, in his beautiful Theology of the Body, explains that we’re made for self-gift. The human person “cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself” (Gaudium et Spes 24).

Marriage is the fullest natural expression of that self-gift. But you can’t give yourself to someone if you don’t possess yourself first. And you can’t discern well if you’re not being intentional.

This is why intentional dating matters: It respects the dignity of both persons involved by refusing to waste time, play games, or treat each other as options rather than persons.

The Four Pillars of Intentional Dating

After mentoring hundreds of Catholic singles, I’ve identified four essential pillars that distinguish intentional dating from the cultural drift. Get these right, and you’ll transform your entire approach to finding love.

Pillar 1: Clarity About Your Purpose

Intentional dating starts before you ever swipe right or say yes to coffee. It starts with asking yourself: What am I actually looking for?

This seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people are dating without a clear answer.

Are you dating for marriage? Then own that. Not in an aggressive, scare-people-off way—but with quiet confidence that you know what you want.

Are you dating to “see what’s out there”? Be honest about that too. Just don’t be surprised when you end up nowhere.

I tell my clients: If you’re not dating for marriage, you’re practicing for divorce. That sounds harsh, but think about it. Every relationship that isn’t heading toward permanent commitment is training you in something—and usually it’s training you in how to leave.

The Church calls marriage a vocation—a calling from God. And like any vocation, it requires preparation, discernment, and intentionality.

Practical step: Before your next date, write down in one sentence what you’re looking for. Not a list of traits—a statement of purpose. “I’m dating to discern marriage with someone who shares my faith and values.” Keep that sentence somewhere you’ll see it. Let it guide your decisions.

Pillar 2: Honesty From the Start

Intentional dating requires honesty—with yourself and with the people you date.

This means being upfront about your intentions. Not on the first date, necessarily, but early. If you’re dating with marriage in mind, say so. If someone isn’t, better to know now than six months in.

I’ve heard every excuse for avoiding this conversation:

  • “I don’t want to seem desperate”
  • “What if it scares them off?”
  • “It’s too early to talk about that”
  • “I want things to develop naturally”

Here’s what I tell my clients: If stating that you’re looking for marriage scares someone off, they were going to leave anyway. You’re not scaring off the right person—you’re filtering out the wrong ones.

One client, a 32-year-old attorney named David, had been on dozens of dates without a single relationship lasting past two months. When we looked at his pattern, the issue was clear: he never told anyone what he was actually looking for.

I challenged him to mention—on the second or third date—that he was dating with marriage in mind. He was terrified. “They’ll think I’m proposing over appetizers!”

No one thought that. What actually happened was remarkable: some women gracefully bowed out (they weren’t looking for the same thing), and others leaned in with new interest. He was engaged within a year.

Honesty is a filter. Let it work.

Practical step: Develop a natural way to express your intentions. Something like: “I should tell you—I’m dating intentionally. I’m not looking for something casual. I’d love to get to know you and see if there might be something here worth pursuing.” Practice saying it until it feels natural.

Pillar 3: Intentional Pacing

One of the biggest mistakes I see is rushing physical and emotional intimacy while dragging feet on actual commitment.

Modern dating has it backwards. People will sleep together within weeks but won’t define the relationship for months. They’ll say “I love you” before they’ve discussed whether they want children. They’ll move in together while calling each other “just dating.”

Intentional dating reverses this. Move slowly where you need to (physical intimacy, saying “I love you,” meeting families) and move decisively where you should (defining the relationship, discussing values, clarifying intentions).

The Church’s teaching on chastity isn’t about repression—it’s about right ordering. It’s about keeping physical intimacy in proportion to actual commitment. It’s about protecting both people from the confusion that comes when bodies are ahead of hearts and minds.

I worked with a couple who had been dating for three years without ever discussing marriage. Three years! When I asked why, they said they were “taking it slow.”

But they weren’t taking it slow. They were living together. They’d met each other’s extended families. They were physically intimate. The only thing they were “taking slow” was commitment.

That’s not intentional pacing. That’s avoidance dressed up as wisdom.

Practical step: Establish a timeline for key conversations—not rigidly, but directionally. By date 3, have you discussed what you’re each looking for? By month 2, have you defined the relationship? By month 6, have you discussed life goals, faith, family? These aren’t deadlines—they’re guardrails against indefinite drift.

Pillar 4: Courage to Walk Away

Here’s the hardest part of intentional dating: sometimes it means ending things with someone you like.

Intentional dating isn’t just about pursuing the right person—it’s about having the courage to walk away from the wrong one, even when walking away is painful.

This requires what I call detached attachment. You’re fully present, fully invested, fully open—but you’re not clinging. You’re not so afraid of being alone that you’ll stay in something that isn’t leading anywhere.

I’ve watched people waste years—literal years—in relationships they knew weren’t going anywhere. When I ask why they stayed, it’s almost always some version of: “I didn’t want to start over.”

But here’s the truth: Every day you spend in the wrong relationship is a day you’re unavailable for the right one.

Walking away takes courage. It takes a deep trust that God hasn’t forgotten you, that your worth isn’t determined by your relationship status, that there’s still hope even when this particular hope is dying.

The saints knew this. St. Augustine spent years in a relationship he knew wasn’t right before finally having the courage to walk away and pursue holiness. St. Elizabeth Ann Seton had to let go of one vision for her life before God could give her something greater.

Sometimes the most intentional thing you can do is end something that isn’t working.

Practical step: Identify your “walk away” criteria—not superficial dealbreakers, but the genuine non-negotiables. For me, these are: actively practicing Catholic faith, emotional availability and willingness to grow, fundamental kindness and character. If these are absent after genuine time and opportunity, walking away isn’t giving up. It’s wisdom.

The Intentional Dating Mindset Shifts

Beyond the pillars, intentional dating requires some fundamental changes in how you think about the process.

From “Finding Someone” to “Becoming Someone”

The biggest mistake in dating is making it primarily about finding the right person. That puts all the focus outside yourself—on the apps, on the dating pool, on whether someone will choose you.

Intentional dating flips this. The most important work you can do for your future marriage is becoming the person your future spouse deserves.

What kind of spouse do you want? Kind, patient, faithful, emotionally mature, spiritually grounded?

Great. Are you those things?

At Finding Adam Finding Eve, we always say: “We don’t help you find someone. We help you become someone.” Because here’s the truth—emotionally healthy, spiritually mature people tend to attract and be attracted to other emotionally healthy, spiritually mature people.

Work on yourself first. The rest follows.

From “Chemistry First” to “Character First”

Chemistry lies. I’ve watched couples with off-the-charts chemistry implode within months because they had nothing else. And I’ve watched couples who started as “just friends” build marriages that have lasted decades.

Chemistry matters. But it’s not the foundation—it’s the frosting.

Intentional dating prioritizes character. It asks: Is this person kind? Honest? Faithful? Do they take responsibility for their actions? Are they growing? Do they share my values?

These questions matter more than butterflies. Butterflies fade. Character remains.

As I often tell my clients: Attraction can grow where character is present. Character rarely grows where it’s absent.

From “Avoiding Pain” to “Embracing Growth”

Dating involves risk. There’s no way around it. You might get rejected. You might invest in someone who doesn’t invest back. You might open your heart and get hurt.

Intentional dating doesn’t try to eliminate this risk—it accepts it as part of the journey.

Every date, whether it leads to marriage or not, is an opportunity to grow. To learn something about yourself. To practice showing up with openness and honesty. To become more of the person you’re meant to be.

The people who find lasting love aren’t the ones who avoided all pain. They’re the ones who grew through it.

Intentional Dating in Practice

Let me show you what this looks like in real life.

The First Date

Old approach: Keep things light. Don’t ask anything too personal. Try to seem interesting and attractive. Don’t mention anything about faith or values—that’s too heavy.

Intentional approach: Ask real questions. Learn something meaningful about this person. Share a little about what matters to you. Mention your faith naturally. By the end of the date, you should have a sense of whether there’s enough here to warrant a second.

After a Few Dates

Old approach: Keep “seeing where it goes.” Avoid any conversation that might make things awkward. Hope they’ll bring up exclusivity so you don’t have to.

Intentional approach: If you’re interested, say so. If you’re not feeling it, end things kindly and clearly. If you want to be exclusive, ask. Don’t let ambiguity stretch for weeks or months.

When Things Get Serious

Old approach: Just let things evolve. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Don’t talk about marriage until you’re basically ready to propose.

Intentional approach: Have the conversations. Do you want children? How do you practice your faith? What are your views on finances, roles, conflict? These discussions aren’t premature—they’re essential. Better to discover incompatibility at six months than six years.

When It’s Time to End Things

Old approach: Ghost. Slow fade. Avoid the difficult conversation. Hope they get the hint.

Intentional approach: Have the conversation. Be honest, kind, and clear. Thank them for the time you shared. Wish them well. This honors their dignity—and yours.

The Role of Community in Intentional Dating

Here’s something the culture gets completely wrong: dating is not a solo project.

In every other major life decision—career, education, where to live—we seek counsel. We talk to mentors, family, friends. We value outside perspective.

But when it comes to choosing a life partner? Suddenly we think we should figure it out completely on our own.

This is crazy.

Intentional dating involves your community. It means:

  • Having mentors—a married couple you admire who can offer wisdom
  • Listening to friends—when three people who love you all notice the same concern, pay attention
  • Including family (appropriately)—not giving them veto power, but valuing their perspective
  • Being part of a faith community—people who share your values and can support your discernment

I tell every person I mentor: Find a mentor couple. Someone 10-20 years ahead of you whose marriage you admire. Ask them questions. Let them into your dating life. Their wisdom will save you years of mistakes.

A Word to Those Who Are Tired

I know some of you are exhausted. You’ve been at this for years. You’ve prayed countless novenas. You’ve worked on yourself. You’ve been intentional. And you’re still single.

I see you.

And I want to tell you something important: Being intentional doesn’t guarantee a timeline. God’s ways are not our ways. His timing often doesn’t match ours.

But here’s what intentional dating does guarantee: You won’t waste your single years. You’ll be growing. Becoming. Preparing. Even if marriage comes later than you hoped, you’ll enter it as a more mature, more self-aware, more spiritually grounded person.

The waiting isn’t wasted. Not when you’re using it well.

And I truly believe—after watching hundreds of people walk this journey—that those who date intentionally find deeper, more lasting love when they do find it. The process matters. The formation matters.

Don’t give up. Don’t settle. Keep becoming.

Take the Next Step

If you’re ready to stop drifting and start dating with purpose, I want to help.

Take the Ready for Love Assessment – This free assessment will help you understand where you are in your formation and what areas might need attention before you’re truly ready for the kind of love that lasts.

Or explore Game of Love – the app Mike and I built to help Catholic singles move from searching to becoming. It’s formation meets self-discovery, rooted in Theology of the Body and designed for people who are serious about doing this differently.

In Him,

Katie

Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.

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