By Katie Palitto | Finding Adam Finding Eve Ministry

You’ve probably heard the term “intentional dating” thrown around. Maybe in a podcast. Maybe from a well-meaning friend. Maybe from an article that left you more confused than when you started.

“Just be more intentional!” they say.

Cool. But what does that actually mean?

I’ve been mentoring Catholic singles for fifteen years, and I’ve noticed something: People use “intentional dating” to mean wildly different things. For some, it means having a first-date checklist. For others, it means discussing marriage timelines on date two. For others, it’s just code for “I’m taking this seriously.”

Let’s cut through the confusion. Here’s what intentional dating actually is—and isn’t—from a Catholic perspective.

The Simple Definition

Intentional dating is dating with clarity about what you’re looking for and courage to communicate it.

That’s it. That’s the core.

You know your purpose. You’re honest about it. You make decisions aligned with it.

Everything else—the tactics, the timelines, the conversations—flows from that foundation.

What Intentional Dating Is NOT

Before we go further, let me clear up some misconceptions. Because there’s a lot of bad advice out there dressed up as “intentional dating.”

It’s Not Being Intense or Desperate

Intentional doesn’t mean intense. You don’t need to grill someone about their five-year plan on the first date. You don’t need to bring up children before you’ve ordered appetizers.

Intentionality is about internal clarity, not external pressure. It’s knowing what you’re looking for, even when you’re keeping the conversation light over coffee.

I worked with a client who thought being intentional meant laying out her entire life plan in the first hour. She’d been scaring off perfectly good Catholic men for months.

“Katie,” she said, “I thought I was supposed to be upfront!”

There’s a difference between upfront and overwhelming. Intentionality is the first. It should never be the second.

It’s Not Having Rigid Requirements

Some people confuse intentional dating with having a 47-point checklist. Must be exactly this tall. Must have this job. Must enjoy hiking, hate reality TV, and have read all of G.K. Chesterton.

That’s not intentionality—that’s trying to order a spouse from a catalog.

Intentional dating cares about essentials: shared faith, fundamental character, emotional availability, life direction. Everything else is preference, and preferences should flex when you meet a real person.

It’s Not Moving Faster Than Wisdom Allows

Intentional doesn’t mean fast. Some people rush to define relationships, rush to exclusivity, rush to engagement—and call it being intentional.

But speed isn’t the same as direction. You can move slowly and still be intentional. In fact, intentional pacing—knowing when to move forward and when to wait—is a key part of the process.

The Church prepares couples for marriage through a deliberate process for a reason. Rushing doesn’t honor discernment.

It’s Not Being Closed Off

Here’s a trap I see: Some people become so “intentional” that they close themselves off to anyone who doesn’t immediately check every box.

They say no to second dates because the first wasn’t magic. They dismiss people for minor reasons while claiming they’re just being “discerning.”

Real intentionality stays open. It gives people a fair chance. It recognizes that attraction often grows and first impressions aren’t everything.

What Intentional Dating IS

Now that we’ve cleared the confusion, let’s talk about what this actually looks like.

It’s Knowing Your Purpose

Intentional dating starts with answering one question: Why am I dating?

If your answer is “to find a spouse” or “to discern marriage,” own that. Not apologetically—confidently. You have a purpose, and that purpose is good.

The Catechism teaches that marriage is “ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring” (CCC 1601). That’s a significant calling. It deserves intentional preparation.

You wouldn’t apply to jobs without knowing what career you want. You wouldn’t go to college without knowing what you wanted to study. Why would you date without knowing what you’re looking for?

It’s Being Honest Early

Intentional daters don’t hide their intentions. They find natural, non-awkward ways to communicate what they’re looking for—usually within the first few dates.

This doesn’t mean: “I’m interviewing candidates for the position of spouse.”

It means: “I want you to know that I’m dating with marriage in mind. I’m not looking for something casual.”

That simple statement does something powerful: it filters. People who want the same thing lean in. People who don’t gracefully exit. Either way, you’ve saved time and heartache.

It’s Making Decisions, Not Drifting

Intentional daters make active choices rather than passively letting things happen.

This looks like:

  • Asking for a second date instead of waiting to see if they reach out
  • Defining the relationship at an appropriate time instead of letting ambiguity linger
  • Ending things that aren’t working instead of hoping they’ll improve on their own
  • Discussing important topics instead of avoiding them to keep things comfortable

The opposite of intentionality is drift. Drift is how people end up in two-year situationships wondering what happened.

It’s Honoring the Other Person’s Dignity

Here’s something that often gets missed: intentional dating isn’t just about getting what you want. It’s about treating the other person with dignity throughout the process.

This means:

  • Being honest rather than stringing someone along
  • Ending things clearly instead of ghosting
  • Not using people for validation or entertainment
  • Respecting their time by being clear about your intentions

As Catholics, we believe every person is made in the image and likeness of God. That includes the people we date. Intentionality honors that dignity.

It’s Trusting God’s Timing While Taking Human Action

Intentional dating holds two truths in tension:

  1. God is sovereign over your love story
  2. You have a role to play

Some people use “trusting God” as an excuse for passivity. They never put themselves out there, never join dating apps, never say yes to setups—and then wonder why nothing happens.

Others swing the opposite direction. They white-knuckle the process, convinced that if they just optimize hard enough, they’ll make marriage happen on their timeline.

Intentional dating walks the middle path. It takes real, practical action—while surrendering the outcome to God.

The Catholic Foundation

Intentional dating isn’t some modern invention. It’s actually deeply rooted in Catholic teaching about love, marriage, and human dignity.

Marriage Is a Vocation

The Church teaches that marriage is a vocation—a calling from God that requires discernment and preparation. Just as someone discerning priesthood or religious life takes the process seriously, so should those discerning marriage.

This is why dating matters. It’s not just recreation or entertainment. It’s part of how you discern and prepare for one of the most significant decisions of your life.

Love Is an Act of Will

St. Thomas Aquinas defined love as “willing the good of the other.” This is intentional by nature. It’s not just feeling good about someone—it’s actively choosing their good.

Intentional dating practices this. When you date with clarity and honesty, you’re already exercising the kind of love that marriage requires.

Self-Gift Requires Self-Possession

St. John Paul II beautifully articulated how we’re made for self-gift—to give ourselves fully to another in marriage. But here’s the thing: you can only give what you possess.

Intentional dating includes the work of self-knowledge. Understanding who you are, what you bring, what needs healing. You can’t give yourself fully if you don’t know yourself.

Practical Steps to Start

If you want to date more intentionally, here’s where to begin:

1. Write Your Purpose Statement

In one sentence, articulate what you’re looking for. Not a list of traits—a statement of purpose.

Example: “I’m dating to discern marriage with someone who shares my Catholic faith and values.”

Keep this somewhere visible. Let it guide your decisions.

2. Identify Your Non-Negotiables

What are your actual dealbreakers? Not preferences—essentials.

For most Catholics, these include:

  • Actively practicing the faith
  • Emotional availability and willingness to grow
  • Fundamental character and integrity
  • Aligned on children and family

Everything else—hobbies, appearance, career—is negotiable.

3. Develop Your “Intentions” Language

Practice a natural way to communicate your intentions. Something like:

“I should tell you—I’m dating intentionally. I’m not looking for something casual. I want to get to know you and see if there’s something worth pursuing.”

Say it until it feels comfortable, not rehearsed.

4. Set Decision Points

Rather than drifting indefinitely, set internal checkpoints:

  • After 2-3 dates: Do I want to continue getting to know this person?
  • After 6-8 weeks: Are we exclusive? Should we be?
  • After 3-4 months: Is this heading toward marriage, or isn’t it?

These aren’t rigid deadlines. They’re prompts to make conscious decisions rather than letting things drift.

5. Build Your Support System

Intentional dating isn’t a solo project. You need:

  • A mentor couple whose marriage you admire
  • Honest friends who will tell you the truth
  • Possibly a spiritual director for discernment
  • A faith community that supports your values

Don’t try to figure this out alone.

The Fruit of Intentionality

Here’s what I’ve seen after fifteen years of ministry: People who date intentionally find better relationships faster—or they clarify faster that a relationship isn’t right.

Either way, they don’t waste years in ambiguity. They don’t lose themselves in situationships. They don’t look back with regret at time spent with the wrong person.

And when they do find their person, they enter marriage with eyes wide open. They’ve had the hard conversations. They know who they’re marrying. They’ve done the work.

That’s what intentionality produces: marriages built on clarity, not confusion. Commitment, not drift. Truth, not illusion.

Take the Next Step

Ready to date with more intention?

Read the Complete Guide: Intentional Dating – Go deeper into the four pillars and practical strategies for dating with purpose.

Take the Know Thyself Assessment – You can’t give what you don’t possess. Start by understanding who you really are.

In Him,

Katie

Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.

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