By Katie Palitto | Finding Adam Finding Eve Ministry

Here’s a story I hear all the time:

“We matched on Thursday. By Sunday, we’d texted for 20 hours total. We met Monday, talked until 2am, and I just knew. We were exclusive by the end of the week.”

Six weeks later: “I don’t understand what happened. It fell apart so fast.”

I understand the impulse. When connection feels rare and chemistry hits hard, you want to lock it down. You’re tired of dating. You don’t want to play games. You’ve finally found someone who seems right, so why wait?

But here’s what I’ve learned after fifteen years of mentoring Catholic singles: The relationships that last aren’t built in a sprint. They’re built slow.

Let me tell you why.

The Case for Slow

Chemistry Lies

I know that’s not what you want to hear. When you feel that spark—the butterflies, the can’t-stop-thinking-about-them energy—it feels like truth.

But chemistry is a terrible judge of character.

Chemistry tells you someone is attractive. It doesn’t tell you they’re kind. It tells you conversation flows easily. It doesn’t tell you they’re emotionally available. It tells you being together feels good. It doesn’t tell you they’d make a good spouse.

I worked with a client—let’s call her Amanda—who fell hard and fast for someone she met at a parish event. The chemistry was unlike anything she’d experienced. Within three weeks, she was planning their future.

It took her four months to realize he had a serious anger problem. The chemistry had drowned out every red flag.

“Katie,” she told me later, “I was so high on the feeling that I couldn’t see straight.”

Chemistry is real. It matters. But it needs time to settle before you can see clearly.

Love Is an Act of Will

St. Thomas Aquinas defined love as “willing the good of the other.” That’s a choice, not just a feeling.

The feelings of early romance—the intoxication, the obsession—aren’t love. They’re infatuation. They’re wonderful, but they’re not the foundation for a lifelong commitment.

Real love develops as you see someone in different contexts. When they’re stressed. When they’re sick. When they’re disappointed. When they mess up and need to apologize.

This takes time. There’s no shortcut.

People Reveal Themselves Slowly

Here’s the thing about human beings: we’re complex. We have layers. We have patterns that only emerge over time.

Early in dating, everyone is on their best behavior. They’re showing you their highlight reel. And you’re doing the same.

The real person emerges gradually. How do they handle conflict? What happens when things don’t go their way? How do they treat servers, family members, people who can do nothing for them?

You can’t learn this in a week. Or a month. It takes sustained time together across different circumstances.

Attachment Needs Time to Build Securely

There’s a psychological concept called attachment—the emotional bond that forms between people. Secure attachment develops through consistent presence over time.

When relationships accelerate too quickly, attachment can become anxious rather than secure. You bond intensely before you have a foundation of trust—and then you’re constantly afraid of losing what you haven’t fully built.

Slow dating allows attachment to develop naturally. You build trust through repeated experience, not rushed intensity.

What “Slow” Actually Means

Let me be clear: slow dating isn’t the same as:

  • Playing games or being unavailable
  • Dragging things out indefinitely without clarity
  • Refusing to commit when commitment is warranted
  • Being passive when action is needed

Slow dating is about appropriate pacing—moving at the speed of trust and wisdom, not the speed of chemistry and anxiety.

Slow in Physical Intimacy

The Church’s teaching on chastity isn’t about repression. It’s about keeping physical expression in proportion to actual commitment.

When physical intimacy outpaces emotional and spiritual intimacy, it creates confusion. Bodies bond faster than hearts and minds. And when that bond breaks—as it so often does in dating—the damage is real.

Slow dating means letting physical expression develop at the pace of real relationship, not ahead of it.

Slow in Emotional Disclosure

There’s a temptation to share everything immediately. Your whole story. Your deepest wounds. Your biggest fears.

It feels like intimacy. But premature vulnerability isn’t the same as earned trust.

Slow dating means revealing yourself gradually as trust builds. Not hiding, but not flooding either. Letting someone earn access to your inner world over time.

Slow in Defining and Deciding

Here’s where it gets tricky: slow doesn’t mean refusing to define things.

You can be deliberate about decisions while still making them. You can take time to discern while still being clear about where things stand.

What slow dating avoids is pressure—internal or external—to decide before you have enough information. It gives each stage of relationship the time it needs.

The Practical Guide to Slow Dating

So what does this actually look like?

Stage 1: Getting to Know Each Other (First 4-8 Weeks)

Pace: One to two dates per week maximum.

Physical: Chaste. A hug at the end of a date is fine. But save kissing for when you’ve established real connection—not just chemistry.

Emotional: Curious and open, but not confessional. Learn about their life, values, and character. Share yours. But don’t trauma-dump.

Conversation: Focus on character, faith, and compatibility. Are they kind? Do they take responsibility? Does their faith seem real? Could you respect this person?

Decision point: By week 4-6, you should know if you want to continue. Either you’re interested in pursuing this further, or you’re not. Decide.

Stage 2: Exclusive Dating (Months 2-6)

Pace: Seeing each other regularly, but maintaining your own lives. Don’t become codependent immediately.

Physical: More affection is appropriate as commitment grows. But continue practicing chastity. Physical expression should match emotional reality.

Emotional: Deeper sharing. Now is the time to discuss family backgrounds, past wounds, and the things that have shaped you. Do this gradually, not all at once.

Conversation: Start discussing the bigger questions. Views on children? Career and family balance? How do you each practice faith? How do you handle conflict?

Decision point: By month 6, you should have a sense of whether this could lead to marriage. Not certainty—but direction.

Stage 3: Serious Discernment (Months 6-12+)

Pace: Fully integrated into each other’s lives. Meeting families, experiencing holidays, seeing each other in different contexts.

Physical: Continued chastity, with affection appropriate to the seriousness of the relationship.

Emotional: Deep intimacy. You know each other’s wounds, strengths, fears, and dreams. You’ve been through conflict and come out the other side.

Conversation: Explicit discussions about marriage. Timeline. Deal-breakers. Expectations. This isn’t premature at this stage—it’s necessary.

Decision point: By a year (give or take), you should be moving toward engagement or ending things. Indefinite serious dating isn’t fair to either person.

The Objections

I know what you might be thinking. Let me address a few common objections:

“But when you know, you know!”

Sometimes people do have clarity early. And I’m not saying you should ignore genuine conviction.

But “when you know, you know” has also led to countless impulsive decisions that ended badly. The feeling of certainty isn’t the same as actual certainty.

Give your “knowing” time to prove itself. If it’s real, it will still be there in three months.

“I’m not getting any younger.”

I understand the urgency. Especially for women concerned about fertility, every month feels precious.

But rushing into the wrong marriage doesn’t save time—it costs years. Or decades. Divorce and annulment take far longer than proper discernment.

The fastest path to a good marriage isn’t speed. It’s wisdom.

“We’re both Catholics who want the same thing. Why wait?”

Shared faith and shared goals are essential. But they’re not sufficient.

You still need to know each other’s character. You still need to navigate conflict. You still need to see how they handle stress, disappointment, and disagreement.

Alignment on paper is not the same as compatibility in practice. That only reveals itself over time.

“Isn’t slow dating just fear of commitment?”

It can be, if it’s used as an excuse to avoid decisions.

But there’s a difference between slow and stalled. Slow dating still moves forward. It still makes decisions at appropriate intervals. It still has trajectory.

If you’ve been “taking it slow” for two years with no clarity, that’s not slow dating. That’s avoidance.

The Fruit of Slow Dating

Here’s what I’ve seen in couples who date slowly and intentionally:

They enter engagement with eyes open. They know who they’re marrying—really know, not just hope.

They’ve weathered conflict before the wedding. They’ve seen each other at less-than-best and chosen to stay anyway.

They have secure attachment. Their bond developed through trust, not just intensity.

They have fewer regrets. Even if it ends, they know they gave it a fair chance without rushing.

And the marriages? The marriages built on slow, intentional dating tend to be stronger. Not because the people are better—because the foundation is.

Take the Next Step

Ready to embrace a slower, more intentional approach to dating?

Take the Ready for Love Assessment – Understand your readiness for lasting relationship.

Read: Intentional Dating: The Catholic Guide – Go deeper into the four pillars of dating with purpose.

In Him,

Katie

Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.

Keywords: slow dating, taking it slow dating, mindful dating, pacing in relationships, not rushing relationship, intentional dating pace

SEO Description: Why rushing relationships often backfires—and how slow, intentional dating builds the foundation for love that actually lasts.