By Katie Palitto | Finding Adam Finding Eve Ministry

Here’s a conversation I have all the time:

“Katie, I’m just dating to have fun right now. See what’s out there. I’ll get serious about marriage later.”

And I get it. Dating is hard. Marriage feels far away. Sometimes you just want companionship without the weight of discernment.

But here’s what I’ve learned after fifteen years of ministry: There’s no such thing as “just” dating for fun. Not really.

Every relationship teaches you something. Every dating pattern forms a habit. Every connection leaves a mark—whether you intend it to or not.

So let’s talk honestly about what’s actually at stake when we choose between these two approaches.

The Two Paths

Dating for Fun

Dating for fun says: “I’m not looking for anything serious right now. I just want to enjoy the process, meet people, see what happens.”

On the surface, this sounds reasonable. Healthy, even. No pressure. No expectations. Just connection.

But here’s what it actually looks like in practice:

  • You date people you know aren’t right for you long-term
  • You avoid conversations about the future
  • You keep things “light” even when you might want more
  • You leave when things get hard instead of working through them
  • You stay emotionally guarded because vulnerability feels unnecessary
  • You practice leaving rather than staying

I’m not saying people who date for fun are bad people. They’re not. But they’re training themselves in patterns that don’t serve marriage.

Dating for Marriage

Dating for marriage says: “I’m dating with purpose. I’m looking for someone I could build a life with. Every relationship is an opportunity for discernment.”

This doesn’t mean:

  • Bringing up marriage on the first date
  • Treating every person like a job candidate
  • Being unable to enjoy the process
  • Moving faster than wisdom allows

It means:

  • Being honest about your intentions
  • Asking questions that matter for long-term compatibility
  • Not wasting time in relationships you know are going nowhere
  • Practicing the skills you’ll need in marriage—communication, commitment, working through conflict
  • Being willing to walk away when something isn’t right

Why the Distinction Matters

You’re Always Practicing Something

Here’s the thing most people miss: Dating isn’t neutral. Every relationship forms you. Every pattern becomes a habit.

When you date casually, you’re practicing:

  • Keeping things surface-level
  • Avoiding hard conversations
  • Leaving when things get uncomfortable
  • Keeping emotional distance “just in case”
  • Treating relationships as disposable

These are the opposite of what marriage requires.

I worked with a man—let’s call him James—who had spent his twenties “dating for fun.” Lots of relationships, none lasting more than a few months. He figured he’d get serious about marriage in his thirties.

When he finally tried to date seriously, he couldn’t do it. The patterns were too ingrained. Every time a relationship got difficult, his instinct was to leave. Every time someone wanted emotional depth, he felt suffocated.

“Katie,” he told me, “I thought I was just having fun. I didn’t realize I was practicing divorce.”

That’s not an exaggeration. Every casual relationship where you leave instead of working through things is practice for leaving your marriage.

The Stakes Are Real

Dating for fun treats relationships like entertainment—something to enjoy while it lasts, then move on when it stops being enjoyable.

But relationships involve real people with real hearts. When you date someone you know isn’t right for the long term, you’re:

  • Taking their time (which is finite)
  • Risking their attachment (which is real)
  • Modeling that commitment is optional
  • Potentially causing real pain when it ends

This doesn’t mean you’re evil. But it does mean you’re not treating dating as seriously as it deserves.

The Church teaches that every person has inherent dignity as an image-bearer of God. Using someone for companionship while knowing they’re not who you’d marry doesn’t honor that dignity.

Your Future Spouse Is Forming Too

Here’s something to consider: While you’re “just having fun,” your future spouse is somewhere out there living their life. Maybe they’re dating intentionally. Maybe they’re waiting. Maybe they’re wishing they could find someone who takes this seriously.

Is the person you’re becoming right now someone they’d want to marry?

Are you developing the character, the communication skills, the capacity for commitment that marriage requires? Or are you practicing patterns that will undermine it?

Time spent in casual relationships isn’t neutral time. It’s either preparation or regression.

The Honest Truth About “Having Fun”

Let’s be honest about what “dating for fun” often really means:

It Can Be Fear in Disguise

Sometimes “I’m just dating for fun” is code for “I’m afraid of vulnerability.” If you never date seriously, you never risk serious rejection. You stay in control.

But marriage requires the vulnerability you’re avoiding. You can’t build a lifelong partnership while staying emotionally guarded. At some point, you have to go all in.

It Can Be Avoidance

Sometimes “I’m not ready for something serious” means “I’m not willing to do the work.” Serious dating requires effort—communication, compromise, showing up when you don’t feel like it.

Casual dating lets you skip all that. But the work doesn’t disappear; it just waits for you.

It Can Be Using People

I’ll say it directly: Dating someone you know isn’t right for you, because you enjoy the companionship, is a form of using them.

This isn’t popular to say. But it’s true.

If you know this person isn’t who you’d marry, and you’re still dating them to fill loneliness or enjoy the perks of relationship, that’s using someone for what they can give you rather than loving them.

Can You Enjoy Dating for Marriage?

Now here’s the good news: Dating intentionally doesn’t mean dating joylessly.

You can:

  • Have fun on dates while still asking meaningful questions
  • Enjoy getting to know someone while discerning compatibility
  • Feel chemistry and excitement while pacing things wisely
  • Laugh and play and flirt while treating the other person with dignity

Intentional dating isn’t grim dating. It’s purposeful dating. There’s a difference.

The joy comes from knowing you’re not wasting time. You’re not playing games. You’re actually building toward something meaningful.

That’s a better kind of fun.

What to Do If You’ve Been Dating Casually

If you’ve spent years dating for fun and you’re ready to shift, here’s my advice:

1. Acknowledge the Patterns

What habits have you formed? Leaving when things get hard? Avoiding emotional depth? Keeping options open? Name them honestly.

2. Do the Interior Work

Often casual dating is covering something deeper—fear of rejection, avoidance of vulnerability, unhealed wounds. Consider talking to a therapist or spiritual director.

3. Take a Break If Needed

Sometimes you need to reset before you can date differently. A few months off the apps, focused on formation and growth, can help you break old patterns.

4. Be Honest From the Start

When you re-enter dating, lead with your intentions. “I’m dating with marriage in mind.” This filters for people who want the same thing.

5. Practice Staying

Intentionally choose to work through discomfort rather than running from it. This is the muscle marriage requires.

A Word to Those Who Are Waiting

If you’ve been dating intentionally and you’re frustrated by a culture that doesn’t take dating seriously—I see you.

It’s hard when it feels like everyone else is just “having fun” and you’re the only one who cares about this. It’s lonely to take marriage seriously in a world that doesn’t.

But here’s what I want you to know: You’re doing the right thing. The work you’re putting in—the formation, the intentionality, the refusal to settle—is building something.

And there are others out there who share your values. They’re looking for you, just as you’re looking for them.

Don’t compromise. The people who are dating for marriage are the ones worth finding.

Take the Next Step

Ready to leave casual dating behind and pursue something more?

Take the Ready for Love Assessment – Evaluate your readiness for serious relationship.

Read: Intentional Dating: The Catholic Guide – Learn the four pillars of dating with purpose.

In Him,

Katie

Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.

Praying for your journey,

Katie

Keywords: dating for marriage, dating for fun vs serious, casual dating vs intentional, marriage-minded dating, purposeful dating, dating with purpose

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