By Katie Palitto | Finding Adam Finding Eve Ministry

Most people start dating the same way they start scrolling social media—without much thought. They download an app, swipe a few times, and see what happens.

Then they wonder why “what happens” isn’t what they wanted.

Here’s what I’ve learned after fifteen years of mentoring Catholic singles: The work you do before you start dating determines everything that comes after.

If you go in without clarity, you’ll come out confused. If you go in without knowing what you want, you’ll accept whatever you get. If you go in without intention, you’ll drift—maybe for years.

So before you swipe right on anyone, let’s set some intentions.

Why Pre-Dating Work Matters

You Can’t Find What You Haven’t Defined

I’ve talked to hundreds of singles who say they want to get married. When I ask what they’re looking for in a spouse, they can’t articulate it.

“I’ll know it when I see it,” they say.

But will you? Without clarity, you’re more likely to be swayed by whoever shows up with good chemistry. You’ll confuse attraction for compatibility. You’ll mistake intensity for depth.

Knowing what you’re looking for is the first step in actually finding it.

You Can’t Give What You Don’t Possess

St. John Paul II taught that we’re made for self-gift—to give ourselves completely to another in marriage. But he also taught something essential: You can only give what you possess.

If you don’t know yourself, what are you actually giving? If you haven’t examined your patterns, wounds, and habits, how do you know what you’re bringing to a relationship?

The work of self-knowledge isn’t selfish preparation. It’s the foundation for authentic gift.

Dating Reveals What’s Already There

Dating doesn’t create your issues—it exposes them. Whatever anxiety, attachment wounds, or patterns you’re carrying will surface when you start dating.

Better to address these beforehand than to discover them mid-relationship and wonder why everything keeps falling apart.

The Seven Intentions to Set

Before you begin dating (or re-begin, if you’re taking a fresh approach), work through these seven intentions:

Intention 1: Clarify Your Purpose

What you’re asking: Why am I dating? What am I looking for?

Write it down in one sentence:

“I’m dating to discern marriage with someone who shares my Catholic faith and values.”

This isn’t a manifesto. It’s a compass. When you’re confused about whether to swipe right, go on a second date, or define a relationship—this purpose statement guides you.

Practical step: Put this statement somewhere you’ll see it. The background of your phone. A sticky note on your mirror. Let it shape your decisions.

Intention 2: Know Your Non-Negotiables

What you’re asking: What are my genuine dealbreakers vs. mere preferences?

Most people confuse these. They’ll date someone with completely different values because the chemistry is good—but reject someone wonderful because they’re an inch shorter than preferred.

Non-negotiables are the fundamentals:

  • Shared faith (actively practicing Catholic)
  • Character and integrity (kind, honest, takes responsibility)
  • Emotional availability (capable of real intimacy)
  • Aligned on family (wants children, or doesn’t)
  • Fundamental kindness (how they treat others who can do nothing for them)

Everything else—height, career, hobbies, whether they like your favorite shows—is preference. Preferences can flex when you meet a real person.

Practical step: Write your non-negotiables (no more than 5). Be honest about whether your current list is about essentials or ego.

Intention 3: Examine Your Patterns

What you’re asking: What have I repeatedly done in past relationships, and what has it cost me?

Most of us have patterns we’re not aware of:

  • Choosing emotionally unavailable people
  • Moving too fast physically
  • Avoiding conflict until things explode
  • Ending things at the first sign of difficulty
  • Staying way too long in wrong relationships

These patterns don’t fix themselves. They repeat until you see them, understand them, and intentionally work to change them.

Practical step: Look at your last 3-5 relationships (or dating experiences). What’s the common thread? If you’re not sure, ask a trusted friend what they’ve observed.

Intention 4: Address Your Wounds

What you’re asking: What unhealed wounds am I bringing into dating?

We all have them. Family dysfunction. Past relationship trauma. Rejection that cut deep. Shame about our past.

These wounds don’t disqualify you from dating. But they do affect how you date. Unaddressed wounds show up as:

  • Excessive jealousy or suspicion
  • Fear of intimacy or vulnerability
  • Patterns of people-pleasing or control
  • Sabotaging good things before they can hurt you

Practical step: Consider whether you need professional help (therapy, counseling) before dating or alongside it. This isn’t weakness—it’s wisdom.

Intention 5: Strengthen Your Foundation

What you’re asking: Is my life built on something solid, or am I looking for a relationship to complete me?

If you’re dating to fill emptiness, you’ll either:

  • Accept anyone who gives you attention
  • Become codependent and lose yourself
  • Put pressure on relationships to provide what only God can give

Before dating, make sure you have:

  • A relationship with God that sustains you
  • Friendships that support you
  • A life you’re grateful for (even while desiring marriage)
  • Identity rooted in Christ, not in relationship status

Practical step: Evaluate honestly: Are you dating from overflow or from emptiness? If emptiness, work on your foundation first.

Intention 6: Build Your Support System

What you’re asking: Who will I rely on for wisdom and accountability?

Intentional dating isn’t a solo project. You need:

  • A mentor couple whose marriage you admire
  • Honest friends who will tell you what you need to hear
  • A spiritual director or confessor for discernment guidance
  • Possibly a therapist if you’re working through significant issues

These people will see things you can’t. They’ll notice red flags your chemistry is blinding you to. They’ll encourage you when you want to give up.

Practical step: Identify your three key people. If you don’t have a mentor couple, start looking. Ask a married couple at your parish if they’d be willing.

Intention 7: Decide Your Boundaries

What you’re asking: What are my boundaries around physical intimacy, time, and emotional investment?

Before you’re in the moment—when clarity is hard—decide your limits:

Physical:

  • What’s appropriate at each stage of dating?
  • Where are your lines before engagement? Before marriage?
  • How will you communicate these to the person you’re dating?

Time:

  • How much time will you invest before expecting clarity?
  • When will you have the DTR conversation?
  • How long will you stay in a relationship that’s not progressing?

Emotional:

  • What will you share, and when?
  • What questions will you ask?
  • What patterns from your past will you intentionally avoid?

Practical step: Write these out. Revisit them when things get cloudy.

The Intention-Setting Ritual

Here’s a practical exercise I give my clients before they start dating:

1. Set aside 2-3 hours of quiet time.

This isn’t something you do while scrolling your phone. Find a chapel, a park, your quiet kitchen table—somewhere you can think and pray.

2. Bring your journal and these prompts:

  • What am I looking for in a spouse? (Character, faith, life vision)
  • What am I bringing to a relationship? (Strengths, growth areas, wounds)
  • What patterns do I need to change?
  • What boundaries do I need to set?
  • What support do I need?

3. Pray through each section.

Ask the Holy Spirit for clarity and honesty. Don’t just brainstorm—discern.

4. Write your Dating Intention Statement.

Summarize everything in a personal commitment. Something like:

“I’m entering this season of dating with intentionality and hope. I’m looking for a practicing Catholic who shares my values and is emotionally available for real relationship. I commit to being honest about my intentions, maintaining chastity, communicating clearly, and seeking counsel from my mentors. I trust God with the outcome while showing up fully to the process.”

5. Share it with your support system.

Tell your mentor couple, your close friends, your spiritual director. Let them hold you accountable.

What If You’re Already Dating?

Maybe you’re reading this mid-relationship, thinking, “I wish I’d done this work earlier.”

It’s not too late.

You can still clarify your intentions. You can still examine your patterns. You can still build your support system.

If you’re in a relationship without clarity, now is the time to get clear. Is this heading somewhere? Do you actually want it to? Are you being honest with yourself and the other person?

Better to do the work late than never.

The Foundation Is Everything

Here’s what I’ve seen after fifteen years: The couples who build lasting marriages are the ones who did the pre-work. They knew what they were looking for. They knew themselves. They had support systems.

The ones who struggled? They skipped this step. They thought dating was just about finding the right person—when it’s equally about becoming the right person and preparing well.

Don’t skip the foundation. The house you build on it depends on its strength.

Take the Next Step

Ready to do the deep work before you date?

Take the Know Thyself Assessment – Understand your personality, patterns, and what you bring to relationship.

Take the Ready for Love Assessment – Evaluate whether you’re truly ready for lasting love.

Read: Intentional Dating: The Catholic Guide – Learn the four pillars of dating with purpose.

In Him,

Katie

Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.

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